I'm so dumb... so so dumb.
I really was okay with eating those nachos.
But after they were gone I decided that I didn't really need them and now that I've purged them out I should feel even the slightest bit better but I'm not. I just feel dumb.

I'm disgusting for being paranoid that there's still tortilla chips getting digested right now. I felt like all the salsa came up fine, but God forbid the piece that I want really gone barely left.
There's more and I can feel it but it won't come up.

I don't wanna purge again tonight when I have to eat dinner but now not even getting high is working to make meal time normal for the moment.

Apparently I don't give a fuck about my college career anymore. I should be doing something for my lessons or anything right now. Instead I decided to eat food that I didn't even need and then just threw it up. What a waste of damn time. And I don't have much time.

My heart feels kinda weird right now... not too comforting to say in the least.
Probably because I just got done purging the perfect meal of carbs and vegetables.
I don't remember ever feeling this though from past experiences...
shit, I really don't remember the last time I purged... it's been a long time coming though.

My dad always rubs my shoulders, a way of guesstimating the amount of weight I've lost or put on without being so blunt about it. But seriously, let's be serious.
The moment I told him I was on my way to eating 3 semi square meals today (an english muffin toasted with a fried egg and slice of cheese (380 cals), stuffed rigatoni in a fire tomato sauce (250 cals) and was now warming up dinner which consisted of cheesey potatoes with roasted vegetables and a piece of garlic bread) I just couldn't stop thinking about how many carbs were sitting on my plate, spinning in the microwave.

It felt nice to see at least 1/2 of the carbs leave... I don't think anything else was coming up. I guess throw up would be a little less than the actual amount you ate.
Can't you tell I'm not a purger?

I wish I had something... a benzo... a friend. Probably the first option though.
I don't understand why people can't fake a smile as much as me. Seriously. I know everyone struggles but I don't even have a person to vent to like I provide everyone else with.

It's sad really...
My sister just bolted out of my room after venting to me about her boy issues, mind you, while, I'm rubbing her calves and ass since she had a vigorous workout today. And as soon as this kid says he doesn't want to see her, she's just gone...
While I'm trying to speak to her about the outskirts of my emotions during the worse time of my life right now. I don't ever speak to people and tell people the whole truth but fuck when I'm trying to tell you something can you at least care? Or even give me the courtesy to finish what I was thinking before interrupting and leaving?

you're making me sicker.


I don't wanna eat the rest of lunch. I wanna go drive until I run out of gas and see where I end up.

People think an eating disorder is the behaviour of vain teenage girls throwing up their dinners so they can be thin and look pretty. What they don’t understand is that an eating disorder is a painful, horrible addiction that serves to distract from something else, something deeper, that is infinitely more terrible.

 

here's to relapse, already 1.2 lbs down from yesterday. I can't get better if you don't help me.

I know it's happening and I don't know how to handle it but I'm relapsing again. I can honestly say for the first time that I was happy feeling and acting normal in front of everyone. Eating like a normal college student with the rest of my friends and not having to face the scale everyday and not denying my body what it truly wanted. My parents even bought me a new car as a surprise for doing so well and putting on four pounds. But now my body doesn't want food and now I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

I've been withdrawing from pills, it's been about a three week binge and even though I don't want to get fucked up on pills my brain is clearly suffering without them. Doctor's found a polyp after doing some testing on my dad, although it's a slim chance it's cancerous I'm still nervous. I was doing so well not smoking and ruined that two weeks ago when I went on spring break. I was told I'm not smart enough yet to join the academic honor society even though they asked me to apply and I stay up day and night to get at least A-'s in all of my classes now. My friends probably hate me now that I don't have time to help them when they need me the most and flake out when I do have the chance to hang out with them. I won't graduate on time which I say I don't mind but I keep beating myself up and feel like a failure.

All of this has been bothering me but nobody knows. I can't burden my friends when I don't let them express anything to me. Mikey doesn't want to know what I'm truly feeling or thinking anymore. Sometimes he just straight up talks over me. My mom can't be bothered, especially while my sister just had surgery. She's been talking about buying new things for the house and switching the room's completely to "upgrade"... mind you we just got this house about 8 years ago. My dad isn't home often and when he is he's busy working on things or making my mom happy or sleeping. I know he worries about me already and I don't want to keep him awake at night by knowing what's really going on.

On the bright side... I've been having a lot of fun with my special needs student, we'll call her "Susie". She's got so much energy and really has so much potential. She's outgoing and kind and is extremely involved inside and outside of school. It's so nice and refreshing knowing I'll be surrounded by this when I'm done with Saint Rose. Her caregiver has made my life so easy by complying with all of my interview questions. It's just amazing to hear and see progress when you're regressing I suppose. Another bright side is there's potential for me to leave my current job for a summer camp job. It's not that I won't miss my kids at my current place of employment but I feel like I'm trapped there. I just realized this job has provided me with a lot of hands-on experience and looks amazing on my resume but I don't get much money from it and most of the staff higher up doesn't like me. AND A NEW SEASON OF SOUTH PARK STARTS TONIGHT AT 10! Hopefully I can stay awake to get fucked up and watch it.

Two hydro's deep. It's numbed a lot of everything I'm feeling right now. I'll probably take the two xanax I have left in my back up tonight as soon as this wears off. No wonder why I'm addicted to pills lol.

109.2
and I have my period...

Sure I'm sort of pissed off I have it. I didn't have it regularly for a year and now suddenly in the past three months I've gotten each and every month? Why is my body so healthy? Why do I care that it's healthy?
Shouldn't I be questioning why I want to be sick?
I already know the answer... that why I'm not asking it.

So in about three days or less I've lost about 5 pounds. I haven't felt hungry, or tired, or anything. I feel like a flatline. I feel like I don't want to pay anymore money for drugs or diet pills or coffee, though. But I know I will because they're the only things that make me feel better.
It's hard caring about being healthy when all you want to be is beautiful.

Everything about yesterday was terrible. I used up my hard earned calories on a shit ton of diary and carbs. It was baked ziti at the boyfriend's parents house and I couldn't deny. They know it's my favorite meal and they even made me broccoli.
Too bad dinner was ruined because all I could think about was the amount of calories I had on my plate and how Mikey was ruining the fun of everything I was looking forward to. Seeing him for the first time in 2 days, enjoying his company for the first time in 2 days, getting showers of hugs and kisses for the first time in 2 days, feeling okay with eating for the first time in 2 days. Too bad nothing like that happened. He was indifferent and it sent me into a downward spiral.

"Jeff's girlfriend even said you definitely are anorexic!"
Yeah mom, I thought everyone's been telling you that for over a year now. I'm glad someone who met me once can clarify what everyone has been warning you about for so long.
"So we're just going to put some weight on you... we're going to do this Kristen."
And who's this "we" you're talking about? Because I weight 109 right now and I plan on losing 4 more pounds in less than a week. I will make that happen with or without you.

"That's understandable but still IDK. I just want someone to give you everything you need, you deserve it. It's something I couldn't do although I wish I could have in hindsight."
After hearing this, after dinner, after a terrible night, after no goodnight kisses from my parents, after no goodnight text message from my boyfriend... this is what it boiled down to.
Sure... lets clarify everything I've told everyone in the past. When I'm there, I'm taking for granted, look at as nothing, nothing more than a burden. Once I'm gone, I'm a recurring thought, I drift from one person's mind and spread contagiously to the next.

I couldn't sleep last night but I at least got halfway through Crank by Ellen Hopkins.
I even got creative:
"Because what you see isn't always what you get. I could weigh more, but, I want to weigh less."

 Killa Kristen

110.4
This is awesome. While everyone thinks I'm getting healthier I'm actually getting more unhealthy.

I remember it was just yesterday about this time where I clocked in a whopping 114.0 with clothes on in front of my mother. I started crying and although I wasn't in disbelief I wish I could reverse time. I knew I would be seeing a rapid weight drop since I was really at around 113 and taking diet pills and haven't felt hungry lately. I've denied myself of going out to eat, eating candy, eating bread, eating chips, eating french fries, popping in a pizza as my dinner. I just stopped it all. I started exercising again and my legs feel lovely. I can finally feel the burn. Although my back is taking quite the beating because of this.

I'm only .4 pounds away from my safe zone. I plan on being 107 by Wednesday morning classes. Tuesday's class is only one class in the morning, it'll be my first class of the semester. It's going to be all girls and all girls that know me and probably WANT me to put on weight. Most of them are my friends so even if I'm not below 107, I'll be able to hide it for the 2 hours I'll be sitting in my education class.
I wonder if people in my major look at me funny now. Most of them saw me in the beginning of my college experience. I was a little overweight then turned out to be about a normal BMI and came back "skinny". I wonder what they really think of all of this...

I was invited to a baked ziti dinner tonight at Mikey's parents house. It'll be his last supper before the semester commences. I know I should go but feel like I'll find an excuse and see him after, help him pack or something. I feel like such an asshole when I have to find excuses to not eat dinner with his family when they've invited me and often make the meals I like to eat. I hate that I'm Italian and addicted to carbs and they know it... they know the secret to my heart.
I don't have anymore pita bread so I don't know what I'm going to eat tonight for dinner. I could have broccoli but I feel like that's not possible, my parents will probably be home and I'll be fucked.

I just took my two diet pills, drinking my coffee. I like the sick, sweaty feeling it gives me to be on diet pills... it's almost like Adderall, especially when I smoke. I felt cracked out yesterday when I was hanging out with my dad.

I will be 105 by the 21st of January. I will be sad enough to not binge at my aunt's house for my grandfather's service. I have to be thin and beautiful for his reading I was asked to do. I have to keep my promise.
I wish I could promise him more than death.