I've tried to make a deal with myself that there's no point in checking the scale if it's not going to give you an accurate number and checking it every morning and night isn't going to make my mood any better so until the scale is fixed or I have a reliable scale I won't check it...
I can't help but know I'm going to break my own rule.
Yesterday was nice. I read through Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. I was envious of her weight loss journey and found myself in her shoes while she was struggling as well. What made me most upset was that she hit 89 pounds in just 8 months and I've been struggling with my eating disorder for some time now. This book has made me decide I'm a fake and a loser and a failure.
Sure I can read a whole book in less than a day but I'm still a failure and because I'm a failure I have to punish myself.

I called into work today, mainly because, I just didn't feel like going. I barely slept last night even though my body seems like it's telling me different now. It's so weird how much my body can take I'm starting to notice.
Like... take yesterday for example. I was doing about 3.4 MPH on the treadmill for 45 minutes after eating only two diet pills, a little bit of coffee, and a bagel that I was force fed. Of course I couldn't take my eyes away from the book which is why I stayed on for so long, but, that's besides the point.

I feel fat. I feel so fucking fat. I cried yesterday morning because I was so fat and couldn't give Mikey any sex because my body has become a disgusting piece of shit. I decided against bingeing and purging because it's not helping my weight loss and with my goals all marked out for the year I can't screw this up... you can't screw this up Kristen!
I'm scared I'm going to screw this up.

On a lighter note the school semester is about to start this upcoming Tuesday. One of my classes already got cancelled and luckily I get my e-mails forwarded to me because apparently I was switched to a different section of this class. Instead of Monday and Wednesday night classes I'll have Monday and Tuesday night classes, working on Wednesdays.
Is it fucked up that I'm only looking forward to the fact that the way my schedule was made I won't be able to eat things like breakfast and barely get to stomach down dinner most nights? Is it fucked up that I'm only looking forward to this upcoming semester because the stress of 18 credits plus working two nights for 3 hours a week and having to finish 45 field experience hours is doing to break me? Is it fucked up that Mikey's schedule and my schedule are off by minutes just so I can get an extra hour and 15 minutes of not being asked "wanna get some food?"

I think I need to do an hour of walking today on the treadmill. I want to feel the burn but I can't at all. I don't really know what this means. Did I not burn any muscle? Did I not create any muscle? Did I not lose any weight? I didn't eat much yesterday, I think my net caloric intake clocked in under 700. I was trying to aim for an 800 limit so... yay... I win? Not that I can't ever do that but it seems like lately I've been trying to demolish whatever self-esteem (or weight loss plans I had).

I don't have much to do right now. It's 8:30 in the morning and I'm writing in my blog, oh ah, hipster. I need to get a life or do something phenomenal. I would write all the books I've been talking about but I don't know how to start them. I'll probably attempt to do my homework or continue reading my Stephen King book. I set a goal of reading 25 books this year and I plan on keeping it... just as my weight loss goals. I don't feel like I need any punishment if these goals for whatever reason don't occur.... because, I torture myself enough.

I haven't weighed myself recently. Mostly it's because I'm scared. I've been doing a lot of late night binging with Mike and last night I told him I'm giving up on that. It makes me feel like shit in the morning and even though I've been going to the bathroom at least once a day because of it... it makes me feel terrible the whole entire day basically to the point where I don't want to eat unless I'm binging.


I couldn't sleep much last night... I ended up getting close to 6 hours maybe. I took a Xenadrine this morning and I think I'm starting to feel it. I think I need to get my ass downstairs sometime soon and start doing some walking. I like burning the calories but hate following through the motions.


I don't know why I agreed to getting my hair trimmed today and going with my sister and mother. It's going to be awkward as hell and take forever. I'm already starting to think about somebody covering my shift tonight but I know that's just not feasible... nobody likes covering my shifts and no one can really cover Tuesday night shifts since everyone does bootcamp. It's not that I don't like my job, I just don't feel like going in today and having it break up my day.


I just had to spend $314 dollars on books. I wish my sister was awake so I could use her seller back information and hope to make a little money off of these motherfuckers. I'll be pissed when I don't get my books on time for class and I need them haha... there goes my semester right down the toliet!


Do I sound like I'm in a bad mood? I'm really not... I liked waking up super early to no alarm this morning. I like the feeling this Xenadrine is giving me since I haven't took it in so long.


My plan is to reach 100/double digits by the end of this semester. With my crazy schedule that actually might be feasible. Easy to lie to everyone about what I ate and not spending much time home to binge. I wonder if my school starts to notice they'll force me to take an educational leave and somehow they'll let me walk on time or something because of this leave. I guess that's not really rational thinking, lol. One of my professors already e-mailed me about field experience. Luckily my last host teacher is letting me use her. I have to do reading assessments on students and since she's a special education teacher I thought it would work almost too well lol.


I hung out with Liz and Shannen last night. FUCK, Shannen ate a shit ton of cupcakes. I mean, I didn't mind... it didn't bother me, and she's stunning but it's just crazy how much those girls can eat. After eating at least two cupcakes, a slice of cake and some cookies Liz was saying how "fat" she felt and how she wants to work out and shit and how all of this food isn't helping her. She claims she has terrible eating allergies but I've never seen her epi-pen and all she does is eat shitty food? It makes no sense to me. It was nice hanging out with them I guess... it's sort of the same shit me and Mike do though, I sit there and watch TV while they play a video game or something. We talked about some important things I guess but nothing too personal. I can't ever open up to people anymore it seems like, it's just all fake relationships I have with these people. Walters comes back tomorrow so it's probable that I'll be down in Albany again. I would love to hang out with Liz but sometimes it feels like a task and I know she'll want me to follow through with my plan on drinking with her... which I would but I don't really know... lol. So confused for no reason.


I guess I don't have much to bitch about.

My body is really sore today... I think it's from moving around some furniture in my room and actually being active. I purged up a "safe" meal yesterday... it was only broccoli and talipa. It fucked me over because I binged on cheetos, goldfish and ice cream and a rice cake at around 11:45 until 12:30.


I still haven't ate yet today and I need to get ready sooner than later since Mikey will be coming back from his friend's and he's bringing me my coffee. I've been feeling like shit because I can't seem to drop this excess weight I gained and I think it's because my body is trying to go through it's womanly cycle. I should be getting it soonish since last month around this time I had it. I'm not looking forward too it.


Almost as much as I'm not looking forward to dinner tonight. Mikey told me his parents know I have an eating disorder even though he tried to drop the topic all together. We're having hamburgers and I don't want the bun and I don't want french fries. I fucked myself over by eating ice cream last night (which was delicious) but I promised that would be one of my "I don't eat this food this year" food's.


Now that I've started purging I find it becoming easier and more fluent. I can't seem to want to keep anything down and when I burped after binging last night it had throw up in it. I wish I could purge freely. I've been thinking about telling Mikey but decided that would be a really bad idea. He wouldn't take it lightly and last night he said "good thing you can't purge"... I said "yeah... thank God".


I'm a lying piece of shit and all I want to do is cry.

breakfast: skipped
lunch: skipped
dinner: vegetable beef soup or a piece of talipa


I was doing fine, doing absolutely fantastic actually about putting on some weight until today. I got on the scale and I realized I'm at 111 and can feel all of these changes already. This is going to be the hardest relapse ever, I can feel it. I'm sick of yo-yoing and pretending I'm doing myself and my body any good. By my grandfather's memorial I plan on being down to 106-104 pounds, it's in a little over two weeks. With school starting that week and having to work and being stressed out about everything it'll be easy enough. I binged on all of the stocking candy I wanted to last night with Mikey so I wouldn't be TOO out of control. The rest is now thrown away. I'm not hungry anymore and the thought of having to eat is disgusting me. Maybe I'll just purge the soup and have fun with it, fuck it...


Today is a bad day.

I just purged for the first time and I didn't even think twice about it, didn't really struggle and want to run back into the bathroom to keep doing it. I just fucked myself over and it's the first of the year.


The scale triggered it. I want to be 80 pounds now suddenly instead of just 98. I want to be rail thin and I don't know why anymore. I haven't even been able to maintain 105 pounds but suddenly I feel like this year is going to be a triggering year. Mikey couldn't even finish his bagel and I didn't want to think of how many calories more I ate them him. I probably didn't even eat more than him because it was just a 150 calorie bowl of soup... that's it... most of it water.


I saw some soda when I purged and it was mostly just broth. I wanna run back in the bathroom and puke up all of it though. I saw blood when I spit into my sink and I'm assuming it's because of my severe acid reflex. I know I'm gonna get addicted to this... I can feel it already.


Happy new years.

I really wanted to write last night but completely forgot about what, therefore, I suck. I was on Valium and feeling like a boss smoking a dutch and having all of these intense thoughts and now all I can think about are these stomach cramps and how it seems like I'm going to be restricting myself until the beginning of the new semester and throughout. Just thinking about how much work I'm going to have to get through and somehow perfect is already stressing me out... school doesn't commence until January 17th. You'd think I would be able to give myself a break?


Christmas was lovely. Christmas dinner was amazing. I ended up leaving not completely guilty but somewhat... I shouldn't have had that last piece of chocolate covered fruit for sure. The chocolate canoli was to die for. Now I don't feel the urge to binge (although it could be because of the small candy binge at Mikey's and the mini candy binge last night). I'm thinking about throwing away all of the candy in my stocking since I've ate enough and don't know how to handle myself.


I finally get my room back and I'm quite excited since it's redone. I have to organize my new dresser with all of my new clothes in it. I need Plato's to give me money and take back some clothes but have to wait until the end of January to do so... fuck them for only wanting Hollister, Abercrombie and all of those fancy places no one can actually shop at.


I don't really want to sleepover at 202 tonight but know I'll probably be forced somehow. I just want to relax in my own room and put up my framed posters (don't bother asking) and restrict freely. I know if I go down there there's going to be a lot of smoking, a lot of awkwardness and a depression when I have to sleep in Colin's bed knowing that he's probably never coming back for good. It's a shame the type of people I've become associated with when I know I could have amazing, good-to-do people in my major that would befriend me. Oh well, all in due time I won't be concerned about having no friends. Probably when I'm stuck at college for one final semester and be unable to graduate with my class.


I wish Barnes and Noble had my book I wanted when I went there... fucking assholes.

Hopefully I finish this post before it's Christmas. I'm feeling nervous because I'm falling into a relapse and I'm not sure why it started, I just realized right now that I didn't binge on any of the food earlier and couldn't seem to bring myself to eat many pick-me-on foods prior to eating dinner today. I couldn't finish either of my plates. I'd say the maximum I had was 1000 but it was probably under. I feel my body using up the food and it's making me feel hungry. Fuck, I wish I could remember all of the counts. Kolonipin... it'll really do a number on ya.

I'm feeling terribly tired for semi-sleeping in today. I had a lovely night last night after assuming it would go terribly. I was really triggered though by my friend's new girlfriend. She's quite lovely and she even started to talk to me which was nice. But... she just kept eating and eating and eating while Mikey and I were there.There was maybe 30 minutes of the whole two hours I was there when she wasn't eating. She was talking about all of the food she eats when she gets high and it's the first thing she thinks about when she's high. What threw me off is her body. She's not overweight by any means and definitely not thin or skinny but she's just average. She has curves and it seems like all the food she eats just falls into the right places for her, it blew my mind. I sort of envied her and at the same time was repulsed. It made me sick thinking about her sitting at the kitchen table just eating the whole time while he rest of us were watching TV shows and joking and laughing.

I can't seem to bring myself to eat anything else today. I'm dreading french toast in the morning, too. I don't even really like it and the thought of having to eat a full four course meal tomorrow is making me feel just as sick, like, I'm about to throw up sick. All of these thoughts melding into my head is what's making me feel like this relapse is going to really fucking suck and I'm going to have to dig deep within myself to either curb it or just run with it. I know I'll never be healthy but continuing this but I know my family will never accept that I'm terribly ill without having a serious accident happen (dehydration, fainting, malnourishment, dropping below a certain weight). I feel like this relapse is making me work towards recovery. It's ridiculous how backwards everything seems to be now. I have to become more sick in order for a chance of true health.

Tomorrow is Christmas and it's going to be awkward. I have to wait to open up presents probably later than usual because my cousin can sleep like a rock, unlike, my sister and I. Not to mention I have to sleep in the basement so I'll hear everyone awake, drinking coffee, talking loudly, ect. I'll be stuck awake early looking at the Christmas tree that seems a lot more bare than I thought it would originally. Don't get me wrong there's a shit ton more gifts than anyone else my age gets for Christmas but it's not overflowing out of the sitting room spilling into the living room. I sound like a selfish bitch now. I hate myself for even thinking those thoughts.

Overall today wasn't too bad. I may even be able to pass out.