26 April 2011

"Be thankful we have all these drugs, we're exposed to what true happiness is"
"Do you really think that?"

When you stopped to look and respond to me I could tell in your eyes you wanted to say yes. Everyone in the that room wanted to say yes. We all realize that we're fucked up, figuratively and physically. It seems the only common ground we have together is this hold on drugs that we've either let in or deny. I'm sorry I didn't say "yes, that's so true" and instead I lied. I'm sorry that I couldn't help but lie. For some reason it just seemed appropriate at the time. Does anybody else have this problem? They lie when they feel it's necessary. But why? I could've simply not said anything. That wouldn't have been out of the social norm. I'm the only girl that sits with a room of guys who are playing video games and blowing pills and packing bongs. I sit and do my homework and quietly give in to the drugs that have surrounded me. I wave the white flag. Sorry, that's been on my mind since I passed out last night in the comfort of the boy.

So, the lowdown. I decided last night to take this opportunity to try to find happiness without drugs. If I can find happiness in them, there must be happiness without right? I decided to drop the "I'm so ugly" act. I can't be the UGLIEST person in the world, just an ugly person. With that being said, I'm going to my boyfriend's grandmother's funeral tomorrow. The most gorgeous thing happened yesterday. I felt actually part of his mom's side of the family. This has never happened before. Not in past relationships or this relationship. The more I think about it the more I'm happy to help out. I've never felt at peace with my family, but I feel at peace with yours. Please tell me when I'm intruding though, I wouldn't want to make myself at home if that's not where you want me to be.

R.I.P. you were beautiful and gave me the strength to make it through that long work day

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