29 April 2011

I can't believe I have the whole house to myself for the whole weekend. It's about time...

I'm sort of anxious. I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle the pressure of not binging and purging all the food that my mom bought for me before she left for NJ with the rest of my family. I'm not sure if I'll be able to eat any of the food I prepare myself without someone forcing me to eat it. I just keep staring at my Easter candy and thinking "I can throw this away.. ya know?" But then I realize that Mikey would be pissed and he would know. He just knows everything about my eating disorder. I wish it was easier to hide it.

I'm excited for what tomorrow brings though. It's supposed to be a decent day and we're tripping on shrooms! The last time we did it, it was perfect. A perfect Thursday night for some intense tripping, some Rolling Rocks, and a lot of smoking bowls in my car. There was so many random people stopping by and bringing us new things to look and do and think about. It seemed like nothing could go wrong. I'm praying it's the same this time. It's like I'm almost too excited to get any pre-homework done before my hardcore homework session with Mikey. With everything that's been going on it's been hard trying to focus in on my homework and just get through this semester with a bang. Not enough coffee in the world can prepare me, I need Adderall. AKA wait until tonight. Too bad my anxiety is driving me insane.

I wish I never said anything about dinner tonight while Mikey was eating his breakfast. Now I'm stuck eating crab cakes, onion rings and macaroni and cheese. I got on the scale today (like an idiot) assuming that I would be under 110. Well since my period decided to come back around, I know the number's off but I'm still really upset. I'm always upset by the number. This anxiety just keeps rotating around me. "Try to get homework done." "Don't think about food." "Should you eat a little something and then try to do homework?" "What do I want to work on first?" These are literally the thoughts that are taking over my brain right now.

I probably won't get anything done. I'll just sit in PrettyThin until Mikey brings me my dinner that I'll have to eat. Good thing my medicine's been working and I've just been shitting all the coffee I've been drinking...

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