15 April 2011

You know you're lonely when you need to make a blog to make sure you stay sane. Maybe if I wasn't a lazy piece I would've kept up with my greatestjournal from back in the good days. Oh well. Thanks P.T. members for constantly reminding me there's an easy blogspot to keep me alive.

Anyone heard of Mirtazapine?
I'm a pill-popper. So are every single one of my friends. Basically it's not weird if someone gives me a bag of pills. I've had about five to six of these in late December. He told me it's an anti-depressant but it causes heavy sedation. I was okay with this.
Last night I snorted half of one and let a full one dissolve on my tongue. This was after a binging around 1000 calories, taking eight laxatives and upping my dosage of all the prescription laxatives my doctors gave me. I'm disgusting and I don't care. I don't talk to anyone about my disordered eating because no one really gives a fuck. People don't pay attention to me unless I have a serious breakdown. When I was trying to breakdown to the only person I can talk to (for so many reasons), didn't even really care. I don't mind that part... what pisses me off the most is that I feel sabotaged.
I started researching Mirtazapine and guess what? It's used for victims of anorexia nervosa because it's an appetite enhancer. 
1) I didn't even tell you I have an eating disorder
2) If my boyfriend did then maybe it's not fucking true
3) You're not any of the fucking doctors I see (all of them say my weight is fine) so don't give me prescriptions like that
I just can't trust anyone anymore. Not that I ever did to begin with, but this is just a reminder. I sort of want to ask everyone if I'm just a big joke to them. I sort of want to ask him if he gave them to me on purpose because he's hoping this would "help" me conquer my "issues".

And no mom, I don't wanna go out to eat and pick up the new BMW dad just bought because I've been awake all night purging.

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