24 June 2011

20 minutes of treadmill time has been successful, as with the 15 minutes of tanning.

Sorry about last night lovelies, I don't really know what happened. It seemed like one second I was okay and the next I was just out of control. I didn't know what to do to put myself back together and I felt like it was impossible for me to. I skimped out on a perfect job opportunity because Mikey stated how a rare musician was coming around when I wouldn't be here. I guess that's what triggered everything. It seems like lately Mikey can do as he pleases when he pleases but yet I always have to be on guard and can't do the things I want to freely. It feels like I'm trapped and I really don't like it. I know it's not the case, I just need to get out and get my job started (which is a whole other paragraph). I just need to clean up my act and my room and finish these things by July so I can start off with a fresh new outlook on my decent life, rather than, being a bitch via blogger and PT.

So I e-mailed the camp I was going to work at. I was going to be the "Discovery Center Counselor" better known as a science teacher at a stay-away summer camp for kids with Autism. It was perfect and in my field, however, they paid shit and I only got one day off a week. I would be away from my family and my boyfriend and my somewhat decent friends and all of the exciting things that happen in summer, especially late summer. I e-mailed them and told them straight up that I'm not mentally healthy for this job and that I suck basically. This was at 11:44 p.m. so they probably thought I was on all kinds of drugs (surprisingly, I wasn't). Then I went on this Craigslist binge to be a potential babysitter. Out of the three I contacted the nicest one replied back this morning still interested. It would only be a few times out of the week for only 5 to 6 hours. It doesn't seem too bad and comply with my other duties at the Center. Who has been dicking me around this whole time apparently. I've been transferred to three different residences (houses) without even touring half of them. They keep making up all of these excuses that make no sense as to why I can't work at that specific residence, oh well. I think I should be getting my first paycheck today, so at least I have something to show for it. I can't even schedule hours at the house that they've moved me to officially due to my sprained back. BUT WAIT! That's not the funniest part about all of this. I've been transitioning doctor's and won't be able to see mine until the beginning of September and she has to fill out this form stating that I can start my duties and that my back is fine. I asked my manager if the nurse that needs to take my last TB shot can just do this for me. Hopefully that's a reasonable task since I NEED money and WANT to start. If I gotta go there anyways, she may as well do it for me on Monday.

I don't really feel hungry, it's probably from my mini-binge last night.. which.. shouldn't even be considered as "binge". Oh how fucked up the English vocabulary has become due to people throwing words around any which way possible. I made myself a roast beef sandwich with a serving of cheese balls. I didn't eat 15 of the cheese balls or a a quarter of the sandwich because... I DON'T EVEN LIKE ROAST BEEF! So then I decided I was going to have around 3 servings of strawberry ice cream with a banana cut on top. Then just to make sure I would be okay today, I took an extra ex-lax. The laxatives barely kick in on time. I'm sure whenever it's most inconvenient for me they'll make me shit my pants.

I have to go out to dinner tonight with Mikey and his family. We're going to Wolf's 1-11, of course, the one time that I'm going my mom and dad won't be sitting at the bar (this is probably for the better, though, it would've been funny). I don't plan on eating all day since 1) I probably won't be hungry 2) I have so many better things to occupy my time with and 3) I worked off the calories of at least the bread for my dinner so I'll be able to finish the whole thing and stay under my calorie range for the day. I won't let myself consume food out of emotions anymore to the best of my ability. Food cannot substitute for the emotions I'm feeling and should not be in place for anything more than me being hungry. Which is yet again another problem. I don't ever feel hunger anymore. Can I just add that my mother told me she's going out to dinner AND lunch with my father at two different places. What the fuck? No mom, I don't want to go to Lanie's to pig out on drinks and food and then expect to shove more food down my fat throat for dinner later. Fuck that. You're absolutely insane for even thinking about eating that much... I really don't know how she does it. She should be the size of a truck driver... she's getting there nonetheless. I'll stop this rant before it starts though.

The services for my step-cousin who committed suicide at on Sunday. I plan on going by myself, no Mikey, no nobody. I don't want someone to get in the way of what I have to say or what I feel. I don't want to see anyone that day. I'll probably feel obligated too like usual though. I wish people just gave me a chance to collect my thoughts from day to day and didn't feel like they needed to see me as soon as they got out of work or could just let me breathe. I don't know..


  1. Anonymous12:54 PM

    Hi hon just started reading your blog and wanted to say hi. It's awful news about your step-cousin and you have every right to take time and space to sort out how you feel without everyone else putting on you. Sometimes other people can be so ignorant of the fact that some people just need alone time!

    I'd say you made the right decision about your camp job, it sounded like a massive commitment for not a whole lot of reward and you are young and therefore should have the time to go out and enjoy your summer :-)

    Try and keep calm, but don't worry about having a rant, they are healthy and we bloggers don't mind ;-)

    Love AJ x

  2. Your posts are freaking awesome. So honest. I love reading them! <3!