16 June 2011

I wanna be skinnier, tanner, happier.
I wanna be all of these things and I'm trying so hard and working daily towards it and my period just won't quit. I took a 15 mg XR Adderall today. I made sure I ate because I wanted to jog today and clean up my room and NOT pass out while I take my last test for my job today! I made an egg with salt and pepper and some whole grain toast with some orange juice. I worked off all of that and plan on fasting these next two days. Exactly why I got 3, 10 mg XR Adderall, to make sure I can fast appropriately from here on out until Saturday. I feel like shit for not telling Mikey I got the pills because I know he would want to know, it's just... I don't want him to know it's for weight loss. I hate not telling him things and I know it'll come out eventually, probably Saturday. Since I'll be rollin' face and he'll be rollin' face and that's usually when we do our fifteen minutes of alone "cutesy" time and he tells me everything he's been feeling and vice versa. I wish Molly or Sass was legal, fuck ecstasy pills. Sometimes those things can get scary and even worse be a waste of money cause their bunk. I can see why it's illegal but for emotional unstable people like myself and for those in relationships it really benefits... honestly.

I'm trying to deter from being a psycho bitch and exploding via Blogger today. The more cynical I become the more I begin to hate myself and honestly, I don't hate myself. I feel like I've accomplished a lot from where I've started. Shall I give you all a time line?
So there it is. The top line of pictures is mostly when I had my Binge Eating Disorder. I took so much comfort in food when I was younger that I was always a heavier set girl. I acted like I had a lot of confidence and to be honest, boys thought I was cute as hell... well at least I always had a boyfriend. The February 2010 picture was the day my boyfriend (Mikey) asked me out. Probably like 10 minutes before he came into my dorm room and popped the question. I will never ever forget that day. It's one of the worst and best days of my life. From that moment forward I knew I was committed to just one person (that one person being Mikey) and I knew I was committed into becoming someone I loved because I wanted to love Mikey back (and you know the rule.. you can't love someone until you love yourself). The Binge Eating Disorder subsided and here came Anorexia. The bottom row you can see how much weight I've lost in what amount of time. I'm not sure which pictures I think I look better in. I don't think my body looks great either way. Lol, my head is all distorted anyways... who gives a fuck?

So, there's this older man in my SCIP training (Strategies for Crises Intervention and Prevention) and he keeps mentioning how our instructor Jason is "anorexic" and "so abnormally thin" and "you're in pain because you have no cushion". But ironically, I look around the room and it's only Jason and myself that are small. Everyone else is obese to morbidly obese. It's sort of triggering and absolutely scary. At one point he kept mentioning this and since I'm super bitchy due to womanly issues all I could bring myself to say was "excuse me, but, do any of our consumers have eating disorders?" the reply was "no" my response was "so why exactly does this man keep mentioning it and distracting our training when we could be going forward and learning more so we can do well on the test that we have to pass?" everyone sort of looked at me and shut up. The girls there love me, surprisingly enough. "Giiiiiirl, you crackin' me up today!" was the only thing I heard last night during our first day of going through restraints. I'm really nervous about the test today, it's all about muscle memory and I'm sure we'll be going through them as review. I just hate knowing I have to take a test. Not to mention, a lot of people mentioned how "thin" I am and how it "must be hard to do all of these restraints". I'm not going to lie, sure, some of them are a little complicated, but I'm sure anyone feels that way whether you're average size, a body builder or "rail-thin". What I hate the most is that they're mentioning this while I'm not even at my thinnest. I don't feel thin or small or frail. I feel like a piece of shit that can't drop weight for the life of her. I'm not at my goal and I'm so scared I won't get there. Hence why I'm taking so many different routes, I just need my period to go away and to fast and to abuse pills, amen. For all my younger readers out there, please don't follow the path that I have. Please try to get help before you're considered "adolescence", please try to get help before you're considered "adult", anything. Being an adult and having an eating disorder can severely damage your life. I'm currently in the "emerging adult" stage and I'm still having trouble with it. Keeping up with college is hard, maintaining your friends is hard, landing a job in your field is hard. All of these things are hard, please don't make it more difficult fighting an eating disorder. And please... don't ever turn to drugs. A shout out to a young girl in England who I recently found on PT, you're so adorable and precious and so lively and have so much going for you! I know you've been asking me a lot of questions and have been reading my blog (which I'm thankful for) however, a lot of this information you shouldn't be reading. I don't want to feed into your eating disorder and could never live with myself (aspiring to become a teacher) to hurt a young one. Please remind yourself that we are two different people and that the path that I have chose is so intense and too hard. I know you're whole family came graduating out of Oxford and they work extremely hard, please remind yourself that you have so much to live for and that you're so young and that these things that I'm going through right now aren't worth the struggle. I love your conversation and it reminds me why I want to be a teacher in the first place, however, I don't want to delete my blogger or suspend you from reading mine. Just be mindful of the choices I'm making at 19 and how you shouldn't follow these choices at ANY age.

So, I'm looking at things one day at a time. Today I have to accomplish my last day of training, ace a test. Tomorrow I have to accomplish the beautifying aspect, AKA maybe shopping, sewing, definitely tanning and walking. The day after that I have to be awake and ready for my cousin's last softball game and then get stunning for the party! I'm hoping today and tomorrow go by quick and I suddenly lose my period :/ one can only pray though.. of course.. amen (lololol).


  1. I don't remember if you have one of the "I'm 18 or Older" buttons, but maybe it would make you feel better if you did. That way you don't have to feel like you're adding onto a young teenager's ED.

    What you said in class is so true - why the hell did it even matter? Who cares if the teacher is anorexic, at least he's not an obese mother fucker.

  2. Haha agreed. Plus... he looks ten times better than any other "average" sized guy I've ever seen and I get to put my hands all up on him oooohyeaaaah. Too bad I think he has a crush on this black girl that I'm training with.

    Yeah, I'll have to look into that as well, thanks for that reminder! :)