18 June 2011

I failed, go figure. What pisses me off is that it's not even my fault. I didn't cheat, I didn't go against my rules, I barely even fucking ate by the end of this week. It's my fucking period and it's still here and guaranteed tomorrow it'll be gone and so will the weight gain, fucking ridiculous. If I didn't have to go to my cousin's softball game/award ceremony I would totally abuse all of my laxatives possible.

I think my boyfriend likes triggering me. Last night he was talking to our mutual friend Jason about how "extra sexy" I looked, oh that's funny because I haven't eaten all day, thank you! Obviously I didn't tell him that. This morning I was trying to explain to him that a psychologist wouldn't even consider me anorexic because my BMI isn't below the underweight category. He checked his and his BMI is lower than mine without even fucking trying. All I want to do is cry. Today was supposed to be a good day but I'm starting to have a feeling that it's not going to be good at all.

Lately I've been becoming more suicidal, I think it has to do with the hormones, I hope. I haven't felt this way since I was put on Prozac in like eighth grade, thanks FDA... totally not a safe drug. But anyways, yeah. Don't be surprised if I end up killing myself by the end of the day. I know I told myself that I wouldn't be pissed off but I can't help it. Especially after what my boyfriend has been saying. He's not even comforting me and he doesn't even know the basics of what I'm trying to do. Instead all he does is blame himself because everything has to be about him, whether he be arguing with someone and he has to be right or whether someone needs serious attention but can't give it to them because he's so focused on himself. It gets really aggravating. I'm actually in tears now that he just left.

I don't know. Maybe he is the reason I have this eating disorder. He's been saying that this whole time we've been together (which will be a year and three months tomorrow). He's probably right, since "he's always right", right? Who knows... I probably won't even bother eating today because of all of these remarks. I plan on abusing my laxatives if I don't feel smaller by the end of the day. I'll post the number in my next blog because I leave for the party... if I even bother going (which I will for ecstasy only).


  1. I know how you feel about boyfriends being triggering... Mine's an inch taller, 20lb lighter, bearly eats and spends his entire time playing hurling. If I didn't know better I'd say he had an ED buuuut... If he did he'd know to be less triggering....

  2. :( it fucking sucks how terrible it can make you feel sometimes, I hate the fact that I judge my day based on how much more my boyfriend eats than I do... it's ridiculous.