15 June 2011

So.. barely even ate yesterday and yet somehow I still put on weight. I fucking hate my period. It's driving me insane. It's making me think that even if I do fast up until Saturday I won't get to my goal weight. I don't know this period doesn't feel normal. Pamprin's not really subsiding any of the side effects, I'm not really hungry or craving anything at this point, and all I can really feel like doing is sleeping/sweating. It's so awkward. This makes me realize that I want to get down to under 100 pounds before I go to my summer camp so I don't have to deal with kids with disabilities up my ass and no days off while I have my period and I'm sweating in the sun trying to teach them about Science... no... that doesn't sound like fun, I know. I've been having some severe thoughts of suicide lately. Any little thing is setting me off. Especially looking at WebMD and then stating how PMDD is increasing in women and whatnot, especially those with eating disorders... great. I'm pretty sure I already had PMDD, I just need to become invisible AKA like 80 pounds so I never have to deal with this bullshit ever again.

I'm not mad that I have my period, I know it'll go away eventually... probably even before Saturday (at least the bloating part). I'm mad that I still get my period. I've been trying so hard to deplete it from my everyday normal life because I don't feel like I deserve it. I'll never have kids, I'll never want to have kids. I already had to kill my only child who was going to be a girl (the psychic told my mother in September). She went to a fucking psychic and asked my mom if anyone was expecting. I was supposed to have the child sometime in September, bam! Put two and two together and you have a dead fetus obviously... who still floats around me, and has been trying to take care me. I remind her everyday that I love her and because I loved her I had to get rid of her. It's really killing me lately though, whenever I get my period I can't stop thinking about how bad of a mother I could be. I guess I should stop talking shit about my mom because at least she didn't abort me.

Okay really can't stop sweating and I have this twitch thing. It started in my eye yesterday (the left one) and now it won't stop. It's been happening in my left knee as well, like when I was laying down earlier. I don't really know what to do about it. It was kinda cool, I was putting on my make up yesterday and just watching it in the mirror. God, I'm creepy as hell. I keep researching bloating and period and shit like that. I'm not getting the answers I want. I keep reading that basically I'll be stuck like this and after the party is over I'll go back to normal. GREAT. Now I won't feel obligated to blog because I'll reach 105.0 the Sunday after the party and look like a fat lard and won't even enjoy rolling. Just kidding, I will enjoy rolling, but I won't be happy with myself or look decent...

I need to get on my tredmill then go tanning then hop in the shower to get to work... don't know if I'll post anything later tonight since I have nothing good going for me currently and don't wanna bring any of you hot bitches down by reading my disgusting posts. I'm not posting my weight because it's not accurate at all... obviously. Let's hope for a better day tomorrow :/


  1. Anonymous12:37 PM

    Stay strong hun, luckily it is temporary, just focus on getting through I know you can do it!!! Sending positives your way!!!!!


  2. Periods suck, that's for sure.

    I'm sorry about your fetus. And I mean, honestly, that's how you have to think of it. Just a fetus. You were smart enough to know that you weren't ready for a child and so you did what was best for your life and a potential child's life. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. I'm extremely pro-choice, so I admire the decision that you made.

    I'm sure you'll hit the 105 mark by friday. you have two days to get rid of the bloating, and by that time you'll period will be diminishing, so it won't be a big deal.

    just stay strong, sweetie. life is hard - I know. but if you can get through the tough shit, you'll be stronger in the end.

  3. Periods suck, I hate them. Just know that is gives you a boost in your metabolism and the weight gain is only temporary. It will drop off right when your period is over.