Warning: this post will contain baby-like temper tantrums over nothing.
1. I got my period like, maybe 30 minutes ago. I don't even understand how I'm healthy enough to keep a period, especially after doing this 500 calories or less thing. I guess it makes sense since I haven't had it in about 2 months. Mine has always been irregular and long. I've always hated it. I'm seriously contemplating lower my calorie intake for the rest of the time being on this diet so I can make sure this shit is gone by Saturday (although I'm sure it will with just 500 calories a day). Is it possible for your period to go away when your BMI is over 17.5? I know this sounds horrible but I don't want my children. I already aborted one of mine and would never be able to live with myself knowing I killed one and let the others live. I could never be a loving, caring mother and be a loving, caring teacher. I'll have too many kids at the point and would much rather have a career than be a mother. Does that sound horrible? Is that like a slap in the face towards God saying "fuck you for making me a woman?" I'm such a whiny bitch today... As if things can't get worse...
2. My weight is at 108.6 pounds which isn't bad for having my period, but it's still higher than it was yesterday. I read online that your weight can increase by 3 pounds, so if this is true... I'm closer to my goal weight than I'll expect in no time. Fuck what the scale says now Kristen, I have to keep reminding myself that I HAVE MY PERIOD AND THE SCALE WILL NOT SAY WHAT IS FULLY TRUE! It's just so hard to keep that in mind though. I want to be back down to 107.0 like I was the day before the graduation party. I just need to continue on with my diet, try to not give into the cravings (OMG I had one for chocolate cake last night.. it was out of control, probably why I couldn't sleep.. but that's another bullet I'll discuss). I know I shouldn't weigh myself when I have my period but I just can't help it. It's like this routine that's stuck within my brain and I can't eat or drink anything until I've weighed myself. Which is why I've waited until 2 p.m. to update my blog and start to drink my coffee.
3. I couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. Maybe it's because my body knew my period was coming and wanted me to enjoy the last of my freedom for the next few days. Maybe it was the terrible craving for chocolate cake. A thick, large, huge, creamy piece of moist chocolate cake. Is that too much to ask for? Why does that have to be so many calories? Why do calories even exist? They're literally killing me physically and mentally and I'm starting to lose all control at this point.
I decided that I'm going to continue to weigh myself, however, I will not put the weight on the side board I've created. For this moment I'll just write "period" just to let people know that although I'm weighing myself, it's probably not accurate. I'm doing my weigh-ins more for me, than for you guys at this point. It's to encourage less eating if I don't feel hungry (God knows I don't need to eat up to 500 calories a day) and it's to remind myself that my goal needs to come sooner rather than later now. I'm just praying to God that he'll let me see 105.0 on the scale by Saturday with or without a period. Well it is Tuesday... I'm sure it'll be leaving or will be completely gone. God this is really just a shit ton of rambling and reassuring myself that I'm not a failure because of my weight and that this is not real weight gain. I have to remind myself that I'm not a fat lard even though I'll feel like it whether or not I fast or not. I've been doing so good... I just don't want to fail. I'll feel as though I won't be able to blog ever again if I don't make this goal. Why am I so fucking hard on myself? Why do things like my menstrual cycle have to come when I'm trying to do something for myself for once? FUCK!
Anyways, I have training @ 4:30 until 9:00. Maybe I'll take a sleepy since I have no pot left. God knows I'm smoking a shit ton of cigarettes. I've done my exercise, I didn't get to go tanning yet. I'm trying to give my body a break, although, I'm putting on the fake lotion stuff to at least stay "colored" lol. I haven't eaten at all today... I'm not really hungry. Especially after seeing the scale.