30 June 2011

So. Hi. My whole world is falling apart.

1) My mother decided to discuss the UAlbany Eating Disorder Clinic and my thoughts about it while I was running inside to grab my ID that I forgot at my house and needed in order to get into the head shop to grab a new ash catch for my bong! She knew I was with my friend and Mikey and thought it would be perfect timting. Fail.
2) I had a mid-life crisis mental breakdown observation today. I literally lost all of my shit. I'd rather not get into detail. It's not really worth analyzing anyways, I'm vain, lol.

So. Now that I write it all out my life isn't really falling apart, it's just temporarily tampered with.

Today is technically July 1st, even though it still feels like June 30th to me since I haven't gone to bed and woke up yet, lol. Happy July 1st! Welcoming it with open arms and ditching June since it was a shithole with too many emotions and weekend washouts of rain. Uhm, I'm stopping this binge attitude I've picked up recently. I need to nip that shit in the ass because I know there's no way I'll hit double digits with thinking "oh Kristen, you can eat a parfait because you know... it's not ice cream" and honestly I'm only gaining this motivation from my parents. I keep thinking "oh Kristen if you do eat at all, parfait or ice cream you'll still be the fattest girl in treatment if your parents really do force you to succumb to that. Be the thinnest, be the smallest, be the most known." I hate the way I think, I don't even know where I got it from. Lol, so dumb. I wonder if I'll ever feel like I'll reach my full potential. Like, I feel like I'm trying to fail myself because I know I won't be happy at any weight. I know this isn't about my weight it's something more. What the fuck do I know I'm just a bitch with a blog, lololol.

So. Check it. I might have the house to myself all day and night! Meaning July 1st, not June 30th. I fucking hate updating my blog at awkward hours, throws my shit all off. My parents got invited to go up to my aunt and uncle's camp on Schroon Lake. My mother assumes that my grandma will be going with even though she just came home today and has been there for circa 6 days? Katelyn (my sister, who I never mention and probably never will again) is going to her boyfriend's beach house or some dumb shit. Am I the only person that doesn't keep tabs on what everyone's doing in their homes? No one really tells me plans unless they really feel obligated to or it's the day before an upcoming event. I don't really mind it, it helps me get out of doing a lot of family bullshit, haha. But anyways, yeah, house to myself would be perfect. It's supposed to be perfect weather so I don't see why they wouldn't go up. I got invited to a family friend/my mom's boss' house for a July 4th party. I think I might go just to have an excuse to get trashed. I wanna relax in the comfort of people and have a reason to get dressed up and feel good. My UGW for this summer, I've decided is 103. I don't think it's possible to get to 100 before school starts, and I want to be flexible. I don't want to push my limits anymore than I already am, not to mention, I have to make this weight loss extremely settle. 103, not exactly double digits, but definitely lower than 110. I'll feel accomplished. That's what we're aimin' for.


  1. awesome stuff that you're home alone for a while! :]
    and yeah, i don't ever know where my family are either. i just guess.

    that's awesome you're gonna try to cut down on the binging. don't be too hard on yourself lovely though, because these habits can be very difficult to break. jus take it a day at a time :] good luck!

    and sorry to hear you think those thoughts >.< that's an eating disorder for you :/


  2. Hi, meet your newest follower from PT. Good luck with everything hun, be careful not to push yourself too much though!
    I love having time at home alone sometimes. Lets me chill to the max.
    Does your mum know about your ED? Sorry I have a lot to catch up with. lol. Take care! xx

  3. @Lily: thanks for the encouragement! I've actually done well so far (but I haven't really ate anything so I don't feel obligated to binge). I wish my parents actually left the house :( I was really looking forward to that

    @Dragonfly: Hi love, thanks for following! I'll be sure to follow back. Yeah... there's been 3 times this year already that I've had the house to myself (which never happens since my grandma lives with me as well as both my parents and my older sister lol.. so many people). I got my hopes up and it never even followed through so no chillin' for me tonight :( yesyes, my mom and dad have known that I've had an ED for quite some time now. Literally as of two nights ago they started to act like they care. I'm running the risk of being sent somewhere currently if I can't get my weight above 110 by tonight/tomorrow.