01 July 2011

Even after all of the nice things the PT girls had to say to encourage me to eat the English Muffin I threw it away. It's 130 calories for something that probably won't even fill me up and I won't even begin to nibble on it because then I'll binge, it was cold, it was gross, it was plain.

My dad dropped the bomb on me again. "You know Kristen I don't know what else we can do for you, we've been trying to get you up to at least 115 for at least a month now, probably more, and you still can't get above 110..." I took most of what he said as a compliment, he said I was great at acting. Weird, Mikey said the same thing yesterday. Well guess what? I'm sad, and I'm not happy, and I'm not acting anymore. I'm not acting to be okay and when I don't I go into a major freak out and then I can't stop crying and looking in the mirror and just being me. No one likes when I'm me and no one likes when I'm not me, so why am I even here?

I don't think I'm gonna tell anyone, especially Mikey that I'm probably going into a clinic. I don't really care what he has to say or anyone has to say. They don't ever give me the type of sympathy I'm looking for (I don't even know what to call what they give me). Why should I bother spilling out all of my guts to you Mikey if you can't even talk to me about your own problems? Why do you want to hear me crying about the same things over and over again that you think are so easy to change? Why would you care to listen to me state that I'm going into a clinic because that's all you ever wanted, you wanted me to get sent away to "get help". Well from now on I'm taking a vow to myself to not let anyone get in the way of weight loss even if I am going into recovery. I don't like this world and don't have a chance of staying in it. I may as well just stay there forever and I won't have to worry about trying to actually start my fucking job which has yet to begin even after I busted my ass getting doctor's notes and making appointments. I just give up. I'm done trying to be everything you've ever wanted.

I'm shutting myself down and I don't know exactly what that's going to consist of but I can promise you it's not going to be the same.

My dad's weighing me tonight. I threw away most of the yogurt that I used to make a "parfait" which only consisted of some Chobani fat-free vanilla yogurt, some Yoplait vanilla yogurt, a majority of a banana and 3 strawberries cut up. I only ate the fruit at the top and threw out the rest and decided to go walking. Burnt off 243 calories AKA all of the "food" I ate today plus the Jello I might eat tonight. I don't even want to fake eating anymore since people are forcing me into recovery. Why can't I just go down near 105 pounds so the clinic doesn't laugh in everyone's face when they weigh me there. On a doctor's scale I probably weigh closer to 112.0 lbs anyways (doctor scales always seem to be higher than usual). But of course, I can't just not eat today like I want to. My parents are forcing me out to dinner, Mikey agrees that I should go with them. That's funny, because all I do is ever go the fuck out to eat and I'm so fucking sick of eating food that I can't prepare and be "okay" with AKA know all of the calories in it and how much of it I should eat in order to stay in a certain range. WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

I think Mikey's brother's girlfriend (Ashley) has an eating disorder. Why can't the Feldman's see that? Why can't anyone just worry about her? Oh yeah, it's because she's got the perfect set up. She's graduated from Grad school, she's moving out to Michigan, she hasn't lived with her parents since she attended Undergrad school and probably won't ever have to ever again. I noticed this around her graduation how she's been big into losing weight and playing more with her food at the dinner table. She's not losing weight proportionality, which I mean, isn't always a dead give away that she has disordered eating.. but it's something to watch for. But yesterday it put the icing on the cake. She literally went to the bathroom 3 times in less than an hour. We we're going to leave Red Robin (which she only ate half of a strawberry chicken salad and two onion rings) and she states she has to go to the bathroom. After, we had to go to Price Chopper to pick up things for dinner that night and before she leaves she claims she has to go to the bathroom. Price Chopper/Red Robin are literally right next to each other and then as soon as we get back to Mikey's house (probably a 7 minute drive with HEAVY traffic) she goes straight for the bathroom upstairs. Hi, she's clearly purging, but I mean... what the fuck do I know right? Is it wrong that I'm jealous of her and that she can do this and she's just beginning her downward spiral? I remember a year ago when I was still around 125ish and I thought I would never get close to 100 pounds. I love the feeling of losing and being able to lose and seeing my progress through pictures. She's so lucky she gets the feel that feeling...

Well, I'm being forced out to dinner again tonight and I have no idea what I'm going to eat. Hopefully Mikey does go to LG with his family for the 4th of July so I can just finish up the rest of these ex-lax pills. Amen.


  1. In their hearts, they really are just trying to help. It is impossible to get them to understand. Whether you are 110 or 210, if they think you aren't eating they are going to freak out. I know you are upset right now, but things will get better, you will be ok and in control of your own life. Until then, stay strong. Much love! <3

  2. They're just trying to help, as annoying as it is. But I see it this way: it's your body, you should be allowed to do with it what you want. I mean, it's not like you're 75 pounds and on the verge of dying. Ridiculous. 105 is still a very reasonably healthy weight!

    As for the chick... maybe she's pregnant.

  3. @ Em: thank you, it's a lot easier to read it from someone online than admitting it in person to my parents lol. I just can't stand the thought of getting sent away when I'm not at my goals yet

    @ Camille: EXACTLY! god damnit I wish you were my mother haha <3 sincerely do you think that's possible? I'm not sure if she would be losing weight though ya know? I don't think she's lost any weight recently now that you mention it... damn... I'll never know since she's leaving for Michigan :(