Changed up the blog to make it a little more professional. I'm currently thinking about creating new tabs for different styles of writing. I do want to become more professional in the near future and start doing my writing on my blog in hopes that you all will enjoy my writing and encourage me to continue. I don't know what I'll start writing about but, it'll be there, just for the memo. BTW I plan on changing my sidebar gadget every week (just about, hopefully) for shout outs of those who should be followed and what you're all about for those seeking new followers. Don't feel discouraged if you're name isn't up there yet. I'm going by those who motivate, care and follow me the most. It won't always be that way though.
Back to reality. Last night was the best, most solid cry I've had in such a long time. Jason, my best friend, who always comes over for a nightcap smoke cracked the code. He always listens to me and somehow understands things that most people can't about me. He's a great listener and observer and I don't see why I got so lucky to have such a great person in my life but I did.. and I'm so absolutely thankful. Last night after telling him about my episode of the Oxy's and sleeping all day and being so stressed out he started to break down. He mentioned how he thinks the part of my problem is that people don't ever listen to me. All my life I've never been actually listened to and that's all I need. "You can't show that you need to heard more through your body though Kristen, you need to use your words" and at that moment I just started to cry. I couldn't control it. He's absolutely 120% right. I feel like my voice is never heard and maybe that's why I'm so hellbent on becoming a writer. It's not for the publication or the money or anything, I just want people to listen to me and enjoy listening to me. I'm feeling a lot happier since that conversation, it was like instant relief that was sitting on the top of my shoulders for the past 19 years of my life. I can't believe I never thought about it, but I'm glad I could give him the credit for understanding me, rather than, a psychologist I would have to pay out the ass for. He said how he would go into my house and tell Les (my mother) how it really is and want I need but he just got out of a relationship that sort of... made our relationship loose. We didn't converse often (not that we need to to know we're best friend) and he was barely over. He doesn't want to "impose" on her and he mentioned how I need to want help too. I'm not sure if I want help currently. I enjoy the empty feeling, the high that it gives me. I'm addicted to this disease now and I know I can't recover by myself, it's just impossible. I have so many more goals I'd like to hit before I attempt recovery.
I took a 200 mg Provigil which is like Adderall but more generic so I read. It hasn't really amped me up the way that Adderall usually does, which is the only reason why I take it. I guess it hasn't really increased or decreased my appetite. I only had a couple bites of pasta salad, I'm not hungry, just bored currently. It helped me get through my 20 minute walking today and my 20 minute tanning session. Burnt only 215 calories today. It should cover my ass in case I'm forced to eat later or something. I wish I had a new book to read to keep me entertained, it makes that part of my day go by much faster and easier. Reading while working out is what I live for basically lol.
I just got a new phone, the Sprint Evo Shift 4G. It's so fucking sexy, but a little intimidating. I'll probably read the manual sometime tomorrow. It's not currently under my number so I still have to use my old busted Blackberry until I go back tomorrow with my mom who will probably upgrade since for some reason we have another upgrade on our account? Not too sure. I'm not all that thrilled about it because it's getting used to something different but! It'll be nice when I can get updates on who leaves me comments and whatnot on here through my gmail account that I'm going to switch over to yay!
Maybe I'll end up making some more coffee and trying to amp myself back up since I'm on this pill. I'm not sure if I plan on getting more, we'll see what tomorrow brings and what time I wake up. I wish I had incoming paychecks so I could just buy a script basically and stay on this for a month, that would be so nice. My restriction has been easy so far, I know it'll plummet into a huge spiral of binging, ew. Probably time for me to get some bumpin' tunes on and clean my room like I said I would today. Oh the excitement my life brings to me, out of control...