07 July 2011

I don't deserve to eat today.
I'm getting sabotaged by everyone. Everyone's making me gain weight on purpose.
I exercise more than ever and yet I'm still putting on weight.
I'm not running either, I'm just doing a speed walk to burn more calories.

Today I still haven't woke up. I took 60 mg of OxyContin last night with Mikey mixed with a few shots of Southern Comfort and smoked on top of that. For some reason today I can't get up. I think it's a mixture of not being able to trust anyone with food or even myself. I don't trust myself with calories anymore, I wish I could just die of starvation like I've been planning too. Is it possible for people to put in calories or somehow boost your calorie intake without you knowing/eating food? Is it possible for people to fuck around with electric scales and fuck your shit up to make sure you don't know how much you weigh? I need to know answers and fast. I don't have any pot here, I think I'm gonna freak out tonight since I've been sleeping on and off (mostly on) all day today. I have a terrible headache, I can't think straight fuck.

I just got a call from the Unity House in Troy. I applied a decent time ago about becoming a Teacher Aide or Teacher Assistant. The lady said they don't call everyone for an interview but everyone goes through a screening process. I'm glad I happened to pick up that one phone call, I'll have to remind myself to keep doing it more so more opportunities come my way. I'm not gonna bother telling anyone else about it. I probably won't get the job (although I would love too since my job is STILL fucking me around), I don't want to listen to everyone's fake congratulations. I just need a job with a lot of money and a paycheck for the sole purpose that I need to get out of it. I don't have to pay for food, I don't have people harping down my back, fuck, I probably won't even have enough money for a scale so fuck it. I just need to be by myself for a really long time right now.

Of course I'm making a new diet. It's possible that we're having yet another reunion party, it's sort of close to the end of July too. It'll be posted on the sidebar naturally and I'm not posting my goal weight or actual weight, that way, I don't feel so fucking bad about myself constantly. Does anyone think I should stop the exercise I've been doing? It's roughly 20 to 30 minutes of walking at around 4.0 mph, I burn around 300 something calories. I need answers, anyone, anyone? Thanks...


  1. Are you counting the calories in your alcohol? Southern Comfort is really sugary... All the chemicals you are putting in your body are going to make it harder for you to lose, if not force you to gain. Pot, maybe not so much, but alcohol and pills will for sure. You may want to back off of them. I would keep on walking, though. It's good for you.

    Stay strong! <3

  2. Anonymous3:57 AM

    Definitely don't stop the walking, it gets your metabolism moving, blood pumping and the fresh air and daylight is good for your soul. I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time :(. In regards to adding calories, if you're having any kind of cooked meals/some salads it would be fairly easy to add in extra oils so beware of that. I guess someone could doctor your scales but if they are digital it would take some skill. You probably know that really neither of those things are happening, it's because you are feeling so out of control, paranoia is there.

    Hold onto the positives - like the lead on this job for example. Whether or not it comes to anything, it still means that there are things in your life with the potential to go well and make you happier. It sounds like you also have a large number of people around you who, although they obviously don't understand you, love you, and that's something.

    Sorry for the long rambling reply, I wish there were some magic words I could print but in the absence of the right words I usually just ramble.

    Stay strong and try to take care of yourself, Love AJ xxx

  3. You need to be careful with opiates babe :( that'll really fuck with you and yeah. Be careful! I get paranoid about that too, that people will be fucking my scales, but in reality, its not the first thing people would think to do- it doesn't benefit anyone. XYou need to be careful with opiates babe :( that'll really fuck with you and yeah. Be careful! I get paranoid about that too, that people will be fucking my scales, but in reality, its not the first thing people would think to do- it doesn't benefit anyone. X

  4. @ Em: lately I haven't been so strict with drink calories, I usually don't ever total them into my count for the day but I think I'm starting a new diet that will allow specific days to drink what I want because my dad works at Pepsi and my best friend works at Starbucks... it would be impossible to drop them cold turkey when they're in front of me, lol. Thanks for the heads up on the SoCo I'll stay away from that <3

    @ AJ: I'd probably die if I stopped walking, that was a bullshit rant last night. I'm starting to become addicted to exercise like last year... I wish I could keep that attitude throughout the year. I only like walking when it's gorgeous outside and I don't have to stop. Thanks for the positive notes (totally not ramble) and thanks for always making me feel better. Today was another positive too! Maybe I should stick with the good that's coming in my life so you don't have to constantly remind me why I'm living haha <3 seems like such a tough job

    @ Lissy: I promise I won't touch an opiate for the rest of the summer. I think yesterday was the done deal when I really couldn't do much, let alone move, without feeling sick. Way too much at one time. Thanks for the concern babe! I'll keep you in mind whenever someone asks me to fuck around with them, it'll be a definite no, lol. Thanks for the reality check as well. I know it can't be happening, especially after today's results.