I don't deserve to eat today.
I'm getting sabotaged by everyone. Everyone's making me gain weight on purpose.
I exercise more than ever and yet I'm still putting on weight.
I'm not running either, I'm just doing a speed walk to burn more calories.
Today I still haven't woke up. I took 60 mg of OxyContin last night with Mikey mixed with a few shots of Southern Comfort and smoked on top of that. For some reason today I can't get up. I think it's a mixture of not being able to trust anyone with food or even myself. I don't trust myself with calories anymore, I wish I could just die of starvation like I've been planning too. Is it possible for people to put in calories or somehow boost your calorie intake without you knowing/eating food? Is it possible for people to fuck around with electric scales and fuck your shit up to make sure you don't know how much you weigh? I need to know answers and fast. I don't have any pot here, I think I'm gonna freak out tonight since I've been sleeping on and off (mostly on) all day today. I have a terrible headache, I can't think straight fuck.
I just got a call from the Unity House in Troy. I applied a decent time ago about becoming a Teacher Aide or Teacher Assistant. The lady said they don't call everyone for an interview but everyone goes through a screening process. I'm glad I happened to pick up that one phone call, I'll have to remind myself to keep doing it more so more opportunities come my way. I'm not gonna bother telling anyone else about it. I probably won't get the job (although I would love too since my job is STILL fucking me around), I don't want to listen to everyone's fake congratulations. I just need a job with a lot of money and a paycheck for the sole purpose that I need to get out of it. I don't have to pay for food, I don't have people harping down my back, fuck, I probably won't even have enough money for a scale so fuck it. I just need to be by myself for a really long time right now.
Of course I'm making a new diet. It's possible that we're having yet another reunion party, it's sort of close to the end of July too. It'll be posted on the sidebar naturally and I'm not posting my goal weight or actual weight, that way, I don't feel so fucking bad about myself constantly. Does anyone think I should stop the exercise I've been doing? It's roughly 20 to 30 minutes of walking at around 4.0 mph, I burn around 300 something calories. I need answers, anyone, anyone? Thanks...