17 August 2011

This was taken yesterday. I'm currently 106.4 pounds and feel bigger than ever. After eating what I would call normally, to others this wouldn't be justified I only put on .4 pounds. I have no will to eat and looking at this picture isn't helping much. After walking out of my room my mother just asked if I liked my old psychologist. All I could say was "yes". My dad was pretty pissed off after weighing last night after dinner. I was 109.4 pounds and all he said was "Jesus Kristen you're lighter than ever, you need to stay above 110 at least." Well dad, jokes on you, I'm actually 106 pounds and plan on getting smaller. Is it fucked up that I felt smaller last year at this time when I was around 114 pounds? I was so excited because the first day of going back to Saint Rose I was down to 112 pounds and wore my new shorts that sort of fell off and my low cut orange shirt from American Eagle. I felt so happy and now I can't feel anymore ashamed. I'm not ready for recovery, I'm ready to just give up altogether. Seeing the scale go down doesn't make me happy anymore and seeing how much I'm hurting people isn't making me happy anymore. I told Mike last night that I wish my parents would pay for an apartment for me so I could just live the way I want and by six months into the lease I'd be dead. It probably wouldn't even take that long though. It wouldn't be that expensive and I could just stop hurting everyone. Anyways, my manic depressive disgusting-ness is over. Jason's coming over later to smoke with me and probably lay out. We have a lot of shit talking to do apparently. I'm not hungry so I'm not forcing myself to eat or forcing myself to exercise today. Maybe I'll face the salad my mom made last night. Sorry I suck lately. I love you all though tons.

5 comments:

  1. rachel6:37 PM

    You sound really down.. don't even know what to say but that I really hope you find a way to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You are such a beautiful and bright girl, you should really try to go a little easier on yourself.

    And for what it's worth you definitely look much tinier than someone who weighs 114 lbs so even if you feel worse than you did then, you're quite obviously smaller. How tall are you?

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  2. thank you love, it's hard when you stay the same weight for over 6 months and everyone (including yourself) claims you have an eating disorder but you hardly start to believe that because you can't even drop anymore weight lol. I hate thinking I'm still so big even though I know those numbers (106 or 114) are so low, regardless.

    I'm about 5'5"ish

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  3. You are incredibly tiny, I wish my ribcage showed like that. I know this post was written a few days ago, but I just wanted to let you know that you have my support. Please don't give up, you deserve life and happiness, and I truly hope you feel better.

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  4. Oh and by the way, I've read your entire blog, from start to now, I'm really sorry that I'm quite awful with commenting, sometimes the words are hard to find! But I'm here if you need someone to listen.
    I hope that you have a lovely day! <3

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  5. Hey lady, I have been EXACTLY where you are right now. I remember asking my mom to take me to NYC so I could be a model and just die from this disease. BUT I most say that I have had my ed since I was 7 and had three years of recovery that really where AMAZING and worth the struggle. I promise you, it is worth it. Try to make some goals that you can be motivated to live for. I promise you if I could do it you could too. I know this is all easier said than done, especially because I am in the middle of a relapse, but you are sooo young and life can be so amazing. I am here if you need me.

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