24 December 2011

Hopefully I finish this post before it's Christmas. I'm feeling nervous because I'm falling into a relapse and I'm not sure why it started, I just realized right now that I didn't binge on any of the food earlier and couldn't seem to bring myself to eat many pick-me-on foods prior to eating dinner today. I couldn't finish either of my plates. I'd say the maximum I had was 1000 but it was probably under. I feel my body using up the food and it's making me feel hungry. Fuck, I wish I could remember all of the counts. Kolonipin... it'll really do a number on ya.

I'm feeling terribly tired for semi-sleeping in today. I had a lovely night last night after assuming it would go terribly. I was really triggered though by my friend's new girlfriend. She's quite lovely and she even started to talk to me which was nice. But... she just kept eating and eating and eating while Mikey and I were there.There was maybe 30 minutes of the whole two hours I was there when she wasn't eating. She was talking about all of the food she eats when she gets high and it's the first thing she thinks about when she's high. What threw me off is her body. She's not overweight by any means and definitely not thin or skinny but she's just average. She has curves and it seems like all the food she eats just falls into the right places for her, it blew my mind. I sort of envied her and at the same time was repulsed. It made me sick thinking about her sitting at the kitchen table just eating the whole time while he rest of us were watching TV shows and joking and laughing.

I can't seem to bring myself to eat anything else today. I'm dreading french toast in the morning, too. I don't even really like it and the thought of having to eat a full four course meal tomorrow is making me feel just as sick, like, I'm about to throw up sick. All of these thoughts melding into my head is what's making me feel like this relapse is going to really fucking suck and I'm going to have to dig deep within myself to either curb it or just run with it. I know I'll never be healthy but continuing this but I know my family will never accept that I'm terribly ill without having a serious accident happen (dehydration, fainting, malnourishment, dropping below a certain weight). I feel like this relapse is making me work towards recovery. It's ridiculous how backwards everything seems to be now. I have to become more sick in order for a chance of true health.

Tomorrow is Christmas and it's going to be awkward. I have to wait to open up presents probably later than usual because my cousin can sleep like a rock, unlike, my sister and I. Not to mention I have to sleep in the basement so I'll hear everyone awake, drinking coffee, talking loudly, ect. I'll be stuck awake early looking at the Christmas tree that seems a lot more bare than I thought it would originally. Don't get me wrong there's a shit ton more gifts than anyone else my age gets for Christmas but it's not overflowing out of the sitting room spilling into the living room. I sound like a selfish bitch now. I hate myself for even thinking those thoughts.

Overall today wasn't too bad. I may even be able to pass out.

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