21 December 2011

I was forced to eat a Christmas cookie and I'm mad. I sound so irrational it's not even funny. I'm trying not to show it or express it because I know it would just upset my mother. She's been pissing me off though and sometimes I don't care.

I weighed myself yesterday after eating and drinking and I weighed 108.6 with no clothes on. I'm not too upset about that although I wish I was back at 105 again like around Thanksgiving time. Oh well, probably won't happen anytime soon. This year was a piece of shit because I am a piece of shit. I binged last night (sort of). Don't feel too terrible today though and I have no appetite so I probably won't be eating. Go figure.

I have to start sleeping in the basement tonight until next Wednesday because my family is coming from North Carolina. I just realized this will be the best thing for me. I'm right by my treadmill and the tanning bed AKA I will OD on both with no problem. I'm such a fucking moron, it's starting to make me happy.

I plan on going Christmas shopping around dinner time, most of my friends are coming with me so they'll keep me entertained. I wonder if they realize why I chose that time... probably not.

I'm still pretty sick. I'm sexually frustrated and all I really want is a cigarette. I have to quit by Friday though (at least in front of Michael) which will be a game within itself. I need to stop viewing everything as a fucking joke.

I don't know why I'm coming down so hard on myself lately. Probably because I feel like a fat mess all of the time now. I need to think of a New Years Resolution and getting healthy is already scratched off my list.

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