14 January 2012

This is awesome. While everyone thinks I'm getting healthier I'm actually getting more unhealthy.

I remember it was just yesterday about this time where I clocked in a whopping 114.0 with clothes on in front of my mother. I started crying and although I wasn't in disbelief I wish I could reverse time. I knew I would be seeing a rapid weight drop since I was really at around 113 and taking diet pills and haven't felt hungry lately. I've denied myself of going out to eat, eating candy, eating bread, eating chips, eating french fries, popping in a pizza as my dinner. I just stopped it all. I started exercising again and my legs feel lovely. I can finally feel the burn. Although my back is taking quite the beating because of this.

I'm only .4 pounds away from my safe zone. I plan on being 107 by Wednesday morning classes. Tuesday's class is only one class in the morning, it'll be my first class of the semester. It's going to be all girls and all girls that know me and probably WANT me to put on weight. Most of them are my friends so even if I'm not below 107, I'll be able to hide it for the 2 hours I'll be sitting in my education class.
I wonder if people in my major look at me funny now. Most of them saw me in the beginning of my college experience. I was a little overweight then turned out to be about a normal BMI and came back "skinny". I wonder what they really think of all of this...

I was invited to a baked ziti dinner tonight at Mikey's parents house. It'll be his last supper before the semester commences. I know I should go but feel like I'll find an excuse and see him after, help him pack or something. I feel like such an asshole when I have to find excuses to not eat dinner with his family when they've invited me and often make the meals I like to eat. I hate that I'm Italian and addicted to carbs and they know it... they know the secret to my heart.
I don't have anymore pita bread so I don't know what I'm going to eat tonight for dinner. I could have broccoli but I feel like that's not possible, my parents will probably be home and I'll be fucked.

I just took my two diet pills, drinking my coffee. I like the sick, sweaty feeling it gives me to be on diet pills... it's almost like Adderall, especially when I smoke. I felt cracked out yesterday when I was hanging out with my dad.

I will be 105 by the 21st of January. I will be sad enough to not binge at my aunt's house for my grandfather's service. I have to be thin and beautiful for his reading I was asked to do. I have to keep my promise.
I wish I could promise him more than death. 

1 comment:

  1. what diet pills work for you? I've "shopped around" but haven't found anything actually worth the money. As in the decent priced ones were crap and the good ones were astronomically priced...