15 January 2012

109.2
and I have my period...

Sure I'm sort of pissed off I have it. I didn't have it regularly for a year and now suddenly in the past three months I've gotten each and every month? Why is my body so healthy? Why do I care that it's healthy?
Shouldn't I be questioning why I want to be sick?
I already know the answer... that why I'm not asking it.

So in about three days or less I've lost about 5 pounds. I haven't felt hungry, or tired, or anything. I feel like a flatline. I feel like I don't want to pay anymore money for drugs or diet pills or coffee, though. But I know I will because they're the only things that make me feel better.
It's hard caring about being healthy when all you want to be is beautiful.

Everything about yesterday was terrible. I used up my hard earned calories on a shit ton of diary and carbs. It was baked ziti at the boyfriend's parents house and I couldn't deny. They know it's my favorite meal and they even made me broccoli.
Too bad dinner was ruined because all I could think about was the amount of calories I had on my plate and how Mikey was ruining the fun of everything I was looking forward to. Seeing him for the first time in 2 days, enjoying his company for the first time in 2 days, getting showers of hugs and kisses for the first time in 2 days, feeling okay with eating for the first time in 2 days. Too bad nothing like that happened. He was indifferent and it sent me into a downward spiral.

"Jeff's girlfriend even said you definitely are anorexic!"
Yeah mom, I thought everyone's been telling you that for over a year now. I'm glad someone who met me once can clarify what everyone has been warning you about for so long.
"So we're just going to put some weight on you... we're going to do this Kristen."
And who's this "we" you're talking about? Because I weight 109 right now and I plan on losing 4 more pounds in less than a week. I will make that happen with or without you.

"That's understandable but still IDK. I just want someone to give you everything you need, you deserve it. It's something I couldn't do although I wish I could have in hindsight."
After hearing this, after dinner, after a terrible night, after no goodnight kisses from my parents, after no goodnight text message from my boyfriend... this is what it boiled down to.
Sure... lets clarify everything I've told everyone in the past. When I'm there, I'm taking for granted, look at as nothing, nothing more than a burden. Once I'm gone, I'm a recurring thought, I drift from one person's mind and spread contagiously to the next.

I couldn't sleep last night but I at least got halfway through Crank by Ellen Hopkins.
I even got creative:
"Because what you see isn't always what you get. I could weigh more, but, I want to weigh less."
 Killa Kristen

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