09 April 2013

My heart feels kinda weird right now... not too comforting to say in the least.
Probably because I just got done purging the perfect meal of carbs and vegetables.
I don't remember ever feeling this though from past experiences...
shit, I really don't remember the last time I purged... it's been a long time coming though.

My dad always rubs my shoulders, a way of guesstimating the amount of weight I've lost or put on without being so blunt about it. But seriously, let's be serious.
The moment I told him I was on my way to eating 3 semi square meals today (an english muffin toasted with a fried egg and slice of cheese (380 cals), stuffed rigatoni in a fire tomato sauce (250 cals) and was now warming up dinner which consisted of cheesey potatoes with roasted vegetables and a piece of garlic bread) I just couldn't stop thinking about how many carbs were sitting on my plate, spinning in the microwave.

It felt nice to see at least 1/2 of the carbs leave... I don't think anything else was coming up. I guess throw up would be a little less than the actual amount you ate.
Can't you tell I'm not a purger?

I wish I had something... a benzo... a friend. Probably the first option though.
I don't understand why people can't fake a smile as much as me. Seriously. I know everyone struggles but I don't even have a person to vent to like I provide everyone else with.

It's sad really...
My sister just bolted out of my room after venting to me about her boy issues, mind you, while, I'm rubbing her calves and ass since she had a vigorous workout today. And as soon as this kid says he doesn't want to see her, she's just gone...
While I'm trying to speak to her about the outskirts of my emotions during the worse time of my life right now. I don't ever speak to people and tell people the whole truth but fuck when I'm trying to tell you something can you at least care? Or even give me the courtesy to finish what I was thinking before interrupting and leaving?


  1. I'm really sad to see that things are so hard for you right now. I hope you know that even if you don't have a confidant there that your followers are here to listen and help in any way they can. Keep your chin up lovely.

  2. Thank you for the kind words, they mean the most right now <3