03 June 2011

Aced my online summer course, thankfully. It was pretty easy, I'll keep that in mind next year when I need to occupy some of my free time. Unfortunately it was like, 2 million dollars. A little exaggerated but you get the point. I guess I have no reason to not be in a decent mood. Yesterday (although it started rough) ended up getting better as it progressed. My plans although were demolished became salvaged! Mikey took me on a cute makeshift date. I never really got to go on dates with my any of my boyfriend's and if I did I had to pay... so not a date. I noticed that eating in front of Mikey doesn't bother me and I usually don't feel like shit after. I even dropped a pound! Even though that doesn't mean much because for whatever reason my body decided to hold on to every calorie I've been eating. Or it was the protein bar I was forced to eat by Jason after we got back from the gym. Fuck protein bars, they're gross anyways.

Well for dinner last night I split an appetizer with Mikey, half a cheese quesadilla. It was okay I guess. I ate half of a Chicken Chipotle wrap, and only half of the wrap since there was so much extra and I was already eating empty calories with the french fries. Even though I really wanted to snack after we got back from to the house I restrained myself. I realized how much I actually have been snacking and really need to get in control of that before I start to put on more weight. If I keep my weight down I'm sure (if I even am pregnant) that it'll be aborted naturally. Since I really don't want to go through another abortion all over again... however, I'm probably just having a mid-month crisis thing that came early. I'm not really showing signs of pregnancy. Mikey's been easing my mind saying how I'm totally not healthy enough to be THAT fertile, lololol. Let's pray!

Plus with my parents suddenly monitoring my eating and everything I can't afford to be snacking on the side like I used to. Recently I've been throwing away food. I feel so absolutely guilty for doing this. I just sit in my room and cry after my parents asked me how the food they made for me was. I don't like being force fed. I don't like people acknowledging my awkward eating habits. It's so triggering for me to just give up eating even more. Unfortunately nobody really gets the hit though except for Mikey. And great! The bomb just dropped because I got an A- in my summer class that my parents want to take me out to eat. More like... we need an excuse to get drunk tonight and you have to eat anyways so we're forcing you out. I'll put off eating until then and before heading out write in my thinspiration journal (that I just currently made, it's gonna be real real cute!) so I can keep in my head RESTRICTION.

I created my thinspiration journal yesterday out of spite. I was sick of everyone telling me that I need to put on weight. I know I can drop down to double digits and that's all I want to test. I'll stay below 110.0 lbs to make me happy. Why can't people just let me be happy? I feel like my whole life I've been trying to search for it and every time I grasp some new-found happiness it's ripped away from me. Cutting, smoking, drugs, restriction, binging, purging. I know they're not healthy but let's be honest what the fuck does healthy even mean now-a-days?

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