02 June 2011

I'm at a loss for words right now. All I feel obligated to do is smoke, smoke some more, try to study for my final, and restrict as much as possible. I'm putting on pounds due to bloating I'm pretty sure. This is so much more aggravating than I remembered the past three times I've got my period in the past ten months. I've been working so hard at restricting and hiding it from everyone and still no positive results from the scale due to mother nature ruining all of my plans. I just need to get down to double digits and maybe I'll think about recovering. With everyone shoving their opinions and food down my throat it's triggering to just stop attempting recovery all together and restrict until I'm dead.

I've been up for most of the night working on my last assignment for my online class. I thought I had some major plans that I've been looking forward to but those got cancelled fast. I'm so fucking fed up with having to deal with everyone's bullshit. I have enough problems of my own and you not letting me talk about them is not helping either of us. Go ahead and have another panic attack next time I tell you how disgusting and ugly and gross I feel. I don't really care anymore. You're making me realize I'm not important and neither are my emotions. Which is why I won't respond back when you tell me you love me. It's not worth it to put my feelings out there anymore. Thanks for giving a fuck or noticing though. I hope your father tells you something that I've been trying to tell you. That being sad and assuming you're gonna get you places isn't gonna take you anywhere except to where you are right now. Maybe he'll let you just drop out or something. I don't really know what you want or what to expect anymore.

I wish my mom would stop throwing away all the coffee I make for myself throughout the day. I don't give a fuck if my doctor told me I shouldn't be drinking that much coffee. I actually need it today since I've been awake since 930 A.M. and went to bed circa 4 A.M. Maybe I'll actually study now for my final exam so I can blow everyone's mind and get an A- in this class. If I can't do anything right I may as well try to do good in school in case I actually do live to see a day over 21 years old.

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