19 June 2011

Last night was pretty amazing, given circumstances. I didn't really think it was going to get pulled off but surprisingly it did. Mikey and I got to 202 (the apartment our friend owns) around 6. We had to do a lot of "errand running" lol, I won't go into specifics. Then I was forced to eat two large pieces of pizza. Mikey knew I had only ate less than a serving of cheese fries at the ballpark when I was taking pictures of my cousins, photo shoot session was absolutely adorable... I'll probably put the pictures up at some point to show off my skillZZzZz. I didn't finish the second piece of pizza (obviously). I was so absolutely full and I couldn't wipe the grease off of the last section because there was entirely too much and no napkins on the table. I didn't feel like being a bitch and asking for some napkins so I avoided that whole situation all together. We got some beer... and by some I mean a keg of Keystone and a 30 rack of Rolling Rock. Unfortunately, people aren't the smartest and figured that Walter's would have a tap... lol. New Paltz people starting showing up circa 9 p.m. and luckily one of them had a tap. Dropped the ecstasy and relaxed the whole night. Didn't do too well at pong but I'm assuming it's because half of the people there I barely knew (sort of made it awkward) and it was so fucking hot in there. All I wanted to go was go outside and smoke my pot/cigarettes and breaaaathe. It was so weird, I was like... actually getting attention from males. Who seemed to be the only gender there because for whatever reason only New Paltz boys come up to our Albany parties, like wocka flocka... don't you boys have any bitches to bring? Needless to say no one got laid last night.

There was this kid, I'm not quite sure what his name was. You could sort of tell he was feelin' me, asking me questions, walking close to me, always acknowledging my presence. Then he must've gotten way too drunk and stopped giving a fuck about Mikey. Straight up asking me "come outside with me and smoke this, your boyfriend can blow up the bed" and when I refused he just sat in the window and tried talking to me through there... he even got pissed by the end of the night because I was laying down basically about to fall asleep and he just looked down at the both of us and slammed the door. I don't know, really weird... usually boys don't ever notice me. I didn't like the attention like I thought I would. I sort of wanted to wipe away all of my make up, so... I did. And took my hair extensions and put on my pajamas and threw my hair up in a nasty ponytail. I made sure all of the boys could see me on purpose. Fuck you, if you think I'm hot BECAUSE I'M NOT! Get that through your fucking heads, I'm just fake... that's it... fake.

I don't really remember details about the night but I remember the last thing I did was thank Mikey for being the boy that stays with me and appreciates what I look like without the fake-ness attached to me. He's the only boy that would rather have my pizza pimple face kissing his than my fake eyelashes and 6 different coats of foundation (I know... I have an addiction to make-up).

I think I'm constructing a new diet. It's not exactly that I failed my weigh-in yesterday, but... I failed it. I was at 108.4 lbs due to my period and bloating. I've been having these really terrible cramps that make me so gassy and in unbearable pain. It wasn't like hunger pains, I have no idea how the fuck to begin to explain them. So I won't. I'm not exactly sure what this diet is going to involve but I think I'm ready to recreate a SGD. I want to drop at least 2 pounds a week so by the time I go to my summer camp I'll be double digits, however, my dad won't be able to take me out of the summer camp because the weight loss won't be so rapid and he won't even notice (hopefully). Double digits would look so beautiful, would make me look so incredibly beautiful.. I hope. Is it fucked up that I think the more sickly you look the more attractive you become? 

I sort of wish I went out to Lake George on Mikey's boat with his family today. It would've been nice to just lay out in the sun, however, I have a headache and I'm so incredibly tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep in so fucking long. Lately I've been going to bed around 3:30 a.m. and waking up around 9ish to 10ish.. I have no idea why but I'm over it. I really wanted to go because it's our 15 month anniversary (which he remembered last night at 12:01 A.M.) lol so cute <3. So yay go us, we've been together for a year and 3 months and still going strong! I don't really believe in marriage but I think I could get used to spending the rest of my life with him. Not necessarily marriage, I don't feel obligated to show my affection for someone through a ring and a piece of paper. I'd rather just own some property with a cute house and a dual-headed shower and our babies can be marijuana plants... the would be the good life.

Today's also Father's Day... AKA I have to eat a substantial amount for dinner, which, shouldn't be too hard. I'm sort of hungry I s'pose today but don't plan on eating a lot of calories until dinner time. My mom went to the store and bought corn on the cob that we'll be having with mashed potatoes, grilled steak and crab meat. It's an okay recipe, I'm not that into steak though. I know Sundays are usually my "eat whatever I want days" but I'm sort of over that... and I don't wanna feel like shit later for eating so much when I'm at Mikey's house (since that's usually what happens every Sunday lol), it effects the way I talk and carry myself in front of his family. I don't want them to question anymore than they do about my eating disorder.

So, by the end of today my goal is create a diet that I can follow through until July 23rd (the day I have to go to camp) then it's home free home because I won't have parents around to monitor eating (although I'm sure the camp will), is it fucked up that I marked off the no slot for when they asked the question "do you or have you ever had an eating disorder of any type?" I mean... no doctor has really put a label on all of the "problems" I experience, although, my gastro doctor has been hinting at it since the last session with him. I won't be seeing any doctor's until shortly after I come back from the camp though, I have a lot of time to find fake excuses as to why I can't go... that was a rant, expect a post of my new diet in the near future bitches!

1 comment:

  1. I used to never get noticed by boys... I mean, I would but not to the extent as when I started losing weight. I was so self conscious by then about my body I was in TOTAL disbelief that men would find me attractive..

    OWN IT GIRL! You are beautiful and lovely and your personality rocks! If men find you sexy, then believe it!

    PS I remember playing beer pong while rolling... I was actually better than I am sober hahha!