22 June 2011

Is it bad my motivation to get down to my goal weight of only 100 pounds is through someone that committed suicide and was just found at Ann Lee Pond (not far from our house). Lance, you were a good man and I'm sorry that the given circumstances had to happen to you. I wish you went about it the right way. I've been helping my mother and grandmother make food to bring over to my uncle's house later for the get-together that we're having in honor of Lance. I'm definitely not hungry and my stomach feels like it's on the fritz. I'm not weighing myself today since I know it won't do me any good and since I'm not hungry enough to binge, I have nothing to deter myself from. I just don't want to be any more upset than I already am. He was pronounced dead at the scene due to a Xanax overdose. I didn't really see that one coming. I'm hoping I can get out of going to the cermoney. I've been to way too many funerals and wakes in the past to keep up with the rate I'm going. Shit, if things keep up this way in my family I'll probably be next. Let's not discuss that though...

Yesterday while I was eating 3 Nutter Butter's and 3 Oreo's (in my own little special way) I devised a new meal plan for myself. I'm thinking a liquid diet only while Mikey isn't around since he's the one to push me to eat and monitors my eating and whatnot. When he's not around I don't feel obligated to eat unless my parents force me, however, who's to say I can't make Ramen without the noodles or just eat chicken broth? They won't think it's weird because... they don't give a fuck honestly. I lost so much weight during my colonoscopy prep in April, I was down to my lowest weight (for one night) of 103 pounds. I know if I keep up with my daily dose of laxatives (plus more) plus attend to a liquid plan I can get down to that. Don't be confused though (liquid can be considered a bowl of yogurt as well). I'll make the rules more straight after I figure those out though. I also plan on making sure that I don't have over 500 calories when I'm eating with Mikey. This diet plan won't work out if I just binge eat while I'm with him. Now that I've got my binging out of the way from my last diet plan I shouldn't have anything to worry about though. Of course, I want to keep up with at least 20 minutes of exercise a day, no eating after 10 P.M. and I need coffee... as much coffee as I want. I'm out of control.

I wish my ED life and my personal life didn't get so intermingled all of the time. I want to set up my blog in a specific way so it makes it easier and more appealing to read. I'm not sure how I would go about this though. Maybe start with my personal life (like a picture) and then break when I begin to talk about my ED life? God I wish I didn't create so many things to think of in my little head. It stresses me out to the maximum. I also wish my bitch of a manager would call me so I could start working. I need fucking paychecks before I'm forced to leave this summer for a month. I've called her three times thus far and she's called me back once. I left a voicemail about how she can contact me and when she should contact me and still nothing. I'm about to e-mail my head manager and tell her I'm sick of bullshit. I can't deal with it all of the time. I need money just like everyone else... let's fucking do this shit.

So yeah, I'm sure you all will be hearing back from me today in a specific set-up or you'll see my side bar with a new diet I've created. It won't be interesting just like anything else I write. Does anyone else plan on fasting today? If so, leave a comment! Maybe we can meet up on PT and start talking via threads to keep us motivated.


  1. Again, I'm so sorry about your friend. It's tough to lose people close to us.

    And you could do what I do... I have a personal blog AND a diet blog. That way I can give my friends my personal blog and talk about the randomness called my life, then my diet blog to get the support and motivation I need to lose all this fucking flab.

    I like your new diet plan, btw! It's a good mixture of the HSGD and regular SGD. And it's giving you more calories to work with which will definitely help out your metabolism. Good for you. :))

  2. Thanks lovebug, it's not the first death and definitely won't be the last. It's just shitty that he had to commit suicide. Makes it so real when you watch it rather than just talking about it. I was thinking about doing that, but, my ED life is such a big part of my personal life now too. It's a struggle to balance both which is why this is getting difficult to balance it on here as well. Such a trainwreck I am lololol.

    Yeah, I copied you, because you're the shit <3