14 July 2011

1.2 pounds down, I'm so close I can almost taste it... what a terrible saying for an anorexic to use, lol.
I wasn't too happy when I looked at the scale this morning. I was so terribly guilty. Last night Mikey came over and we ended up falling asleep crying. There was no hugging or kissing or talking. For the first time in my life I was speechless. I literally couldn't think of anything to say to make him feel better. Everything seemed okay. He was eating a ton of snacks like usual late at night and I grabbed some peanut butter crackers. After finishing them and asking a few times if he wanted any he just sort of rolled around on my bed with his own pillow not saying a word. After asking him several different times what was wrong all he could say with tears in his eyes is "I'm just really upset with how skinny you got..."
I literally could feel the tears welling up.
We fell asleep, I'm not quite sure how. I usually can't sleep when something is bothering either one of us, but it happened. We woke up on the same page just about. After a few sarcastic comments we finally started talking and crying again about the situation. "I just wish taking those diet pills in front of you meant something to you" and "you don't know how painful it is to know I've tried literally everything to help you and yet nothing is working Kristen". It took some calming down but we both gained control over ourselves and shared a couple of words. He held me for the longest time while I was crying. I really don't know what to say to him besides, I'm sick and I'm sorry you came into my life at the bad part... I swear I wasn't always like this.
But the kicker is when he said "I know you're hiding something" jokingly after looking through all of my pill bottles trying to find more diet pills that he apparently threw away and then found my nasty bag of food I refused to eat under my bed.
I didn't have time to throw it away and was planning on doing it last night before anyone got to my house but that plan backfired. It smelled terrible and all he could say was "this is fucking disgusting Kristen... I need to leave before I throw up." I don't know how he hasn't broken up with me yet. I know if I was put in this situation I would leave the bid to die and fend for herself. He's truly amazing and I need to have more patience with him. Just because he can speak over me doesn't mean that he doesn't care what I have to say or what's happening with me. I need to just keep remembering that somehow...

I couldn't update earlier but I left several comments, Nate was actually awake today when I came to babysit him! We played for most of the time and I fed him and even got cute new pictures of him. He loves posing for the camera and apparently loves my purse since he was walking around in it. Fashionista FTW, obviously. I just got out of a nice shower, I could only run for 15 minutes today. Tomorrow I plan on 30 minutes before I'm forced to go out to eat at Mikey's place of employment. They have some pretty good crab cakes... I should probably go with something steamed though.
I don't wanna eat the pizza that's sitting downstairs that my mom made for dinner. I don't wanna eat anything when Mikey comes over tonight. I just wanna get really fucked up and reach my goal weight by tomorrow. I have a feeling that's not going to happen though. Either way, today has slowly gotten better. Maybe tonight won't be as dramatic as last.

BTW everyone join THIN! <3


  1. I'm glad he is being so supportive and caring. Yay for finally getting to play with the baby too!

  2. Anonymous1:02 PM

    Sounds like you had a traumatic night hon, I hope things are looking up today. You have to realize that if he loves you, this is gonna be really hard for him to handle, he just wants you to see the you that he sees. My BF is the same. They will try to understand but in all likeliness they won't actually succeed. That sounds so awful, but there again, I can't expect my BF to understand what I am doing if I don't half the time!

    The main thing is that he is sticking by you. He knows you are special and if he is the one, he will stick by you no matter what.

    Yay for Nate finally being sociable, haha!

    Love AJ xx