13 July 2011

I've just been invited to a wonderful new ED forum that I'm hoping brings the support I've been looking for that PT hasn't yet given me. I just wanted to say thanks to "bmi10" who's name I won't throw out there. I've been following her ED related blog which I think you all should read. She's a wonderful writer who gives credit to the research she uses within her wordpress and offers a new insight on disordered eating and the truths behind it.

I managed not having to go out to breakfast today with Mikey and his father. I don't remember Mikey even asking me to bring my showering necessities and a change of clothes to his house. I'm grateful I didn't have to force fed myself and waste anyone's money. I was planning on running and tanning once I got home from his house to mine, but, my treadmill was being absolutely ridiculous. No idea why it wasn't cooperating with me. I think I'm going to give myself a break from that routine for today. I made plans with Jason after I get out of babysitting, I just wish the rain would hold out so we could smoke outside and get a group of people to come with us. So much for that... I hate NY and how much it rains here.

I still won't reveal the weight I'm at but I weighed myself this morning and maintained, I'm assuming this is the third or fourth day in a row? Last night I only had a dish of ice cream to prove to Mikey that I'm "okay" or whatever he would like to believe. I burnt off 268 calories and I ate around 360 calories of ice cream yesterday. Putting me at a whopping 92 calories for the day! But yet I still just maintained. Oh well. It's better than gaining by a long shot. I still have 9 days until another reunion party (hopefully) giving me another 9 days to reach my goal weight of 105 pounds.

Although I didn't take a Provigil yesterday I decided to take one today. I think I can blame my dosage of laxatives and that pill for the mess that my stomach's feeling. I can't stop running to the bathroom today. It's amazing how much my appetite has curbed even when I'm not on the Provigil. I'm starting to not feel hunger again, this hasn't happened since sometime in December of 2010. It's ridiculous how my disordered eating fluctuates so. One day I'll binge and abuse laxatives, the next day I'll restrict or fast and the following I'll try to eat "normally" and the cycle continues. It's dissatisfying knowing my body can withstand all of this torture. I don't understand why some people are able to have disordered eating while others cannot. My mother would never be able to have restrictive behavior, her body literally shows her when she needs to eat. I guess mine has never done that even when I was little. I just bombarded my system with so much sugar and fat and grease, I basically would drown myself in it. Now that I'm older I can't even stand to eat a single calorie. It's truly heartbreaking.

I'm pretty upset that THIN is frozen. I was actually enjoying the layout and members of that site much more than Pretty Thin. Although the drama continued from one website to the next discussing the members that were banned and their feelings about it. I'm over the whole argument. It's not my place to make things right but it's not my place to make things worse either. The duckface army that I created on THIN is remarkable. After taking a new profile picture with Jason's iPhone I decided to put it as my default everywhere in honor of Luna (the site owner of THIN) who just loves the duckface so much, lol. It seemed like last night everytime I refreshed the page someone new was joining in on the duckface club. I deemed myself CEO. It's nice to know I'm well-liked in the virtual world, I wish it could follow over into reality though.

Mmm, less than an hour and a half until I get to smoke some. Hallelujah.

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