02 July 2011

My dad just made me an egg and cheese sandwich on an English muffin. I had a hard enough time trying to eat a plain English muffin let alone with egg (that was fried in what he called "some" butter) and then spread butter on the English muffin. There's a piece of cheese and a half that he placed on top before I could say no. I'm now upstairs in my room staring at this thing that my dad created for me. I know I'm just gonna end up throwing it out. I've been doing this more and more lately trying to hide my restriction. I'm honestly not even hungry though, I don't want to eat if I'm not hungry, such a waste of calories.

I weighed myself not even worth mentioning right now though. I'm not sure why I can't seem to lose any weight after I was stuck between 107 and 109. I'm not 111.2 which is probably just water weight, or food weight from yesterday (I took laxatives the night before... 5 to be exact). I also jogged yesterday, I'm not sure what's happening but I don't like it. I resorted to sneaking some Acai Berry Cleanse that allows for weight loss and I plan on taking back my Xenadrine that my parents took from me a few months back. Everyone's so fucking concerned for my health yet! No one ever throws out any of my shit I buy to help me lose weight. Makes no sense to me.

Mikey's gone to LG for the next night and day. He'll be home tomorrow night (hopefully I'll be trashed by then). I once found this picture of these two beautiful younger looking girls that must've been on the same island as him, it was probably taken July 4th weekend last year (as he liked to call it, it's a tradition that I don't go with him.. whatever the fuck that means). I don't really care if he looks at other girls, I know I look at porn and other men all of the time. Fuck, I'm only friends with guys, I just wish I could have more confidence in myself that I'm beautiful just like those girls. They're not above me or below me... we're all on the same level. *throws out half of the English muffin* Hey dad, you told me I'm a great actress... I'm just holding that fuckin' title right? I hate what I've become lately. I'm getting out of control the more my parents are on my shit for every little thing. I know it's a parent thing but I can't help it, they never gave a fuck before... why are they starting?

I just want to be double digits. That's it. I'll stop at 99.9 pounds, I promise. I'll maintain once I get there, please will someone just give me a break and let this happen? I've gone crazy to the point where I can't eat anything because I know calories will just be hanging on me. I'll probably end up having a slice of pizza with a salad for dinner if my parents are home just to make them happy. God knows they'll be out and about though. I can't wait... I plan on taking my laxatives, my sleeping pills, working out on the treadmill and doing what I do best... being alone. *throws out rest of the egg sandwich*

Last night... I was stupid stoned. Jason and Ara came over, smoked a blunt with them, made transactions blah blah. Left with Mikey to head downtown, end up at our friend's house... run into my boyfriend's ex-roommate and sort of friend and my ex-boyfriend who was Mikey's best friend... so fucking awkward. Finally Walters got here and we walked about downtown like usual, I mean come on, we own those streets basically. Reminds me of Zack lolol, I've been missin' that kid so much lately. Same with Colin, who was supposed to come up with Walters but just never did. Oh well. Needless to say the three of us got super stoned and just straight passed out, it was so funny. I'm sort of glad Colin didn't come cause I got to sleep in his bed. Seriously, this kid must just get girls all of the time because his bed is so fucking comfy, not even worth discussing.

So... my parents just left, gonna smoke and relax and be a crazy bitch like usual.


  1. Good for you for sticking to your guns! Have you tried hCG? You only have a few more pounds to lose, so it could really help you. You take it and eat 500 calories a day while you are on it. You are supposed to lose between half a pound and 2 pounds a day..! One round and you should hit your goal. Stay strong, sweetie!! <3

  2. Wow I've never heard of that. Do you know how much it costs usually? Or where I could find it? Haha, sounds so perfect. Thank you lovebug! :)

  3. Anonymous9:17 AM

    Sorry to hear that your parents are always on your case, keep strong though hon!

    In response to your comment the other day, the exercise I do most is running - a mixture of long-distance (6-10 miles usually) and speed intervals. I mix it up with gym sessions every other day where I do circuits on the cardio machines (incl. rower, cross-trainer, bike) and also do strengthening stuff such as press-ups and crunches. But running is the real calorie-killer!

    Love AJ xx

  4. I'm sorry :( I think it's good that you didn't throw the muffin away immediately, you thought about it and that has to be a good thing hun.

    Be careful, and I don't think you should try any more different types of diet things :( you need to be careful and stay safe please!!!! xxx

  5. @ AJ: it's okay, it kind of makes this a little more "fun" if that's the write adjective lolol, probably not. wow! I've been slowly working my way up to running (I smoke roughly a pack of cigs a day and have been for a while) and lost all of my muscle. currently I can be comfortable for 25 minutes on the treadmill @ a speed of 4.1 mph (which isn't anything compared to you) you're my new motivation! :D

    @ Lissy: thank you! I always try to ask myself the same questions when I have food made for me "have I eaten today?" "do I know how many calories could potentially be in this?" "could I easily exercise this off?" "do I have to eat again today?" and then I decide... it always ends up with me throwing shit out though. I feel terrible for it. You're right... I am getting a little out of control with all of this, summer always triggers me to be worse with hiding food and taking diet pills :/ I just can't seem to stop. Thanks for the concern <3 I'll keep you in mind everytime I think of something dumb