03 July 2011

I'm wondering if Mikey knows how triggering it is or how I would even begin to explain all of this to him. Currently he plans on drinking some of his Southern Comfort (for whatever reason he brought it on the boat with him?) on an empty stomach at 12:30 P.M. doesn't seem reasonable at all since he's not even a big drinker. Now he's claiming he'll be tired and is just going to sleep at his house for the night and then tomorrow he can't go to the party (that's been pushed back a day) because he has to stay with his brother and Ashley after he told me he'd love to be DD for my family and go with us. He makes me so confused and not want to eat and so unsure of myself and the decisions I'm making. It's not always like this, it's only like this when he's in a bad mood or when he's stuck in a place that he doesn't want to be (usually with his family). I understand you're upset and pissed off but you'll be coming home later on in the day and could at least attempt to be happy or make the most of when you're with your family. It makes me feel like shit to know you can have an "okay" time with me but then your family drives you wild and you freak out and then freak out on me. His parents must really fucking hate me. They probably just say the most condescending things about me and my family behind my back. I don't even want to fucking know.

On the flip side my dad and mom seem to be in a pretty good mood today. Probably because they got trashed last night though with my cousin Casey. I woke up and my dad mentioned he saved me half of his turkey club, which, I might potentially eat if I can get the strength to just do it... or high enough. They left to help my cousin finish up fixing her house (AKA demolishing walls and putting new ones back up). I'm pretty sore for whatever reason but know I should take advantage of the fact that they're gone to go downstairs and work off as many as calories as possible until I get bored. I think I broke my mom's Nook so I'm fucked if I really did and she finds out for two reasons... 1) it's her's and 2) I won't have anything to keep me entertained when I go on the treadmill. Damnit, I suck at almost everything it seems like. All I want to do is get super high and lay in bed all day... I know I shouldn't though. I dropped 1.2 pounds from yesterday. It's probably a mixture of not eating and laxatives and diet pills and cleansers though. Why do I keep putting all of this shit into my body to help me weigh less? It's because of the fucking BMI calculator. One website will say that my BMI is healthy but yet I'm in the 20th percentile. Another website will say that I'm drastically low but yet I'm only at a BMI of 18.something. I don't want to be healthy. I want to be deathly, stick-figure thin. I want to have tan skin on top of my frail, small bones and long dark hair. I want to be mysterious and in danger. I don't want to be who I am right now. I wish I could just fast forward through this process and either be in hell where I belong or IP so I can start this long necessary journal all over again.

I feel so guilty. I keep talking to my dad and he keeps checking in on me and everything and I know he knows I'm not fine and I'm not gonna be okay. But we keep acting like I'll be okay, and everything will just go back to normal like when I was little. Like before we moved into this house 7 years ago today. I swear to God I wouldn't be where I am right now (all fucked up in the head) if we never moved. I hate this house so much and everything it's done/not done for me. And now... I can't stop crying. Jason's coming over to smoke with me, I can't ever be alone anymore it seems like unless I'm sleeping. I do dumb shit and think about dumb shit constantly.

I'm glad this 4th of July party isn't until tomorrow, it makes sense right? Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I don't care if Mikey doesn't go. I'm going and getting hammered and then going to bed right after because "I'll be too tired". But I probably won't because I'm not strong enough and the things that I want to do don't matter anymore. I've lost being my own person.


  1. You are strong. Do not forget that. Do not. You lost 1.2 pounds yesterday! Every inch you lose is proof that you are strong. Every calorie you burn. Get your head in the right place, hon. This makes you stronger, better, not weaker. You have a goal, and you are doing what you need to do to get there. Screw anyone who is bringing you down. You do not need any negativity. You are strong and brave and you can do this!

    Much love! <3

  2. Anonymous9:14 PM

    I keep ruining myself with crap, too. Purging followed by lax, diuretics, AND eca...but hey, I take a potassium supplement too, so it's all good, right?

    Hang in there. And P.S., your blog IS interesting. ;)

    (this is BMI10 from PT, btw)