21 July 2011

Mikey, Walters and I made firecrackers last night. I had to eat three in order to feel any sort of body high since it was only a gram. That means I had at least a serving and a half of graham crackers (195 cals) with a serving and a half of peanut butter (roughly 282 cals) with at least a serving and a half of vegetable oil (180 cals). Together that's fucking 657 calories. I'm freaking the fuck out. Today I got on the scale and I gained. I'm back up to 111.2 pounds. I even worked off the sandwich I ate before I left my house yesterday. I don't understand why I keep failing.

I'm forced to eat Activia now and that's between 120 to 130 calories for a small cup, everyday. I'm going to fucking blow my brains out. After my Activia I decided to say fuck it and eat a serving of Kit Kats (210 cals). Today I have to go to Mikey's house for dinner, we're having cheeseburgers. Great. Then I'll probably have ice cream. And then I'm poppin' laxatives. I can't stand this. I feel so fucking disgusting.

I feel bigger now than I did when I weighed 125 last year around this time. Why can't I just have a whole month to myself to do the things I want to do. No work, no boyfriend, no family, no friends. Just a treadmill and a lot of laxatives and a lot of pot and no food. Please, no food.

I guess the party is happening Saturday night, maybe I'll be back down to at least 110 by then, I hope.

1 comment:

  1. I had to Google firecrackers - never heard of them before!

    Gaining sucks - but at least you're still small! 107 will come. You're already small, so that will be difficult to lose. Stay strong!