20 July 2011

My mom just went grocery shopping today. There's Kit Kats in the fridge, there's a bunch of chips in the pantry, she re-upped on assorted cookies, and there's so many types of carbs I don't even want to begin. I was happy when I left the house to know that I wouldn't be tempted for the next 3 hours to eat anything but now I'm stuck in the same position. I'm babysitting and there's currently a box of delivery pizza (not sure where from, I think Vintage AKA my favorite when I used to binge eat), a whole cake that they've cut into huge pieces, and a big bag of mini sized chips. I don't feel too hungry, I'm just bored. All I want to do is binge lately, probably because of my major restriction, but I refuse to give in.
Done with my rant about food and how just because I don't want to eat no one else should around me either. I'm a jealous, selfish bitch, always.

I think right after work I'm going downstairs to at least do 25 minutes of walking. I have plans with Mikey and Ryan to head over to Lock 7 to smoke. It's such a nice spot, no one barely ever goes there, it's right by the water and there's miles and miles of nothing so you can just walk (although I doubt we will since it'll probably start to be dark). It's probably one of my favorite places to go to just relax and basically do whatever you want there.
I wish the house I'm babysitting for had some sort of exercise equipment, I could do whatever exercise I wanted for the full 3 hours I'm here and no one would even know. I need to stop thinking so much about going for walks and calories and I need to snap back into reality. I really can't wait until school is in session again. It helps a lot with keeping my mind off of my anorexic/bulimic tendencies and gives me all sorts of excuses to not eat. "Oh I have to stay at the library for the night do to my paper that's due tomorrow" or "I already ate Mikey, go to the dining hall without me" type things. Now I'm just stuck sitting in places with so much food that I can't eat and the torture is half the fun and half the pain. I hate having to be like this. I'm so fucking sick of being disordered.

My parents are going away this weekend. People are coming up to Albany from different states to have a party with us. I maintained today (which I'm thankful for) but still have so much to lose to get to my goal weight. I'm trying to fast today but I know that won't be possible, Mikey will make me eat something in front of him. I have to start my Activia but really don't want to waste the calories on it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I don't know why but I'm freaking out today. I need a cigarette and my bong. I wish I wasn't stuck babysitting.

1 comment:

  1. Carbs are the devil! lol. I hate carbs only because I actually love them so much & could never go on one of the anti-carb diets (unfortunately).