26 July 2011

My confidence has been renewed.

After what I thought was going to be a lame Saturday night again ended up being magnificent. All of the boys that live at 202 actually came up, which was surprising because last I heard Dan didn't feel like driving and Colin was on house arrest. They both came though and brought friends with them from New Paltz. Walters had two girls over that were somewhat decent. We sold pot to Mary and I actually got drunk. Those weren't even the best parts though, one of Colin and Dan's friends actually said word for word "I don't mean to hit on you but you have the most perfect body. Your legs are amazing, you have the perfect calf to thigh ratio and your dimensions are glorious." All of this hard work isn't actually going to waste and people are starting to notice. Although, after talking with Mikey we both figured out that he probably could tell I had some sort of eating disorder and by the way I was talking knew I had some sort of self-confidence issue (partially). I'm very sarcastic when it comes to my looks and body and outfits and everyone takes that as not having some sort of self-worth. I just like knowing I can laugh at my imperfections while pointing them out though. He told me he was a body builder but not the typical scary I-need-steroids-in-order-to-win-this-competition body builder, he's an aesthetic body builder. He wants me to be part of his portfolio and plans on giving me a diet and exercise plan. I'm not too scared about the exercise, he said he wouldn't be as much cardio as I would like but since my legs are already toned and my body is lean I wouldn't need to keep up with that, it'd be mostly lifting. He told me a little bit about my diet and how it would work, eating every 2 hours everyday except for the 2 hours I would be skipping for exercising. I don't know if he was actually being for real or if he'll remember to text me at the end of July but I hope he does. He told me I could be famous. I could be famous after all this torture I put through my body. It's not completely dead. I could be something still. That one night made me feel better than I have in quite a while.

I've been M.I.A. on THIN, blogger, and PT. I bet no one has really noticed or cared but I sure did miss my sites. It's hard being in a relationship and maintaining an online life. I think it pisses Mikey off usually when I'm on here. He doesn't know exactly what I blog about, except for the random clippings I give and he really doesn't like PT or THIN. I can't blame him, if I wasn't in this position I'd probably be a little confused as to why anybody would join either. I feel like I've been letting down the friends I've made on there and here for a while and I wanted to say I'm sorry. My virtual world and real-life are hard to balance, especially on the weekends. Mikey usually likes sleeping with me almost every night or we have plans to go out and do things with our families.
Speaking of which...
I was down to 107.4 when I woke up the next morning from the reunion party part 348279834. I was so excited and couldn't believe it. Well actually, I could. I barely ate and made sure to exercise and all of those good things. I had a take-out turkey club with french fries that afternoon for a late lunch and then dinner @ Mikey's. After that we had ice cream and a granola bar, ew. Yesterday, I only had a bagel and half of my dinner at Friday's but Friday's only has food that is grease and microwaved and all that nastiness. I decided I'd join in on the nasty and make myself a sundae from the last of the freezer burnt ice cream we had and sprinkled half a small bag of M&M's on it. It was so delicious and I don't even mind that I may be up a pound or two. I like being able to eat the food I want and then force myself throughout the week to restrict. It's becoming more of a mind game "it's not about how little food you eat, it's about how much food you can eat to become full". I'm hoping by Thursday I'll be down to 107.4 or 106.0 pounds. Mikey's taking me up to Lake George to meet up with our mutual friend Ryan and his girlfriend who's visiting from Indiana! We're going for a late dinner (since I have work, ew) and we'll be shopping in the village (finally!) honestly, it's my favorite summer thing to do. On Saturday I'm hoping that I can either maintain that weight of get down to 105 pounds (wishful thinking) since I'm going to my aunt and uncle's camp on Schroon Lake. There's gonna be a shit ton of people all around since it's basically a party for anybody and it's called "River Fest" AKA a lot of swimming and drunk boating and drunk jet-skiing. I'm a little excited, but mostly excited to smoke pot in a tent all night with Mikey, lololol.

I woke up this morning to laxative cramps. Is it fucked up that my favorite feeling is my stomach churning over itself and the pressure that succumbs my digestive system and the ache that sits in the middle of my body? I love that feeling so much and waking up to it was a sigh of relief. Although I liked making my sundae last night and eating it, it wasn't really worth the calories and decided to clean out my system with 6 Ex-Lax chocolate stimulants and lone behold they worked! After I decided to stay up so I could do 25 minutes of fast past walking (since I missed out on my exercise the past two days) and some much needed tanning. I ended up burning 268 calories and had my Activia (120 cals) since I missed out on that the past two days as well and have to currently drink my laxative powder in chocolate milk (not gonna bother counting those calories or else I'll freak). I need to start finding a way around going out to eat on the weekends with my family and Mikey's family without hurting anyone's feelings... fuck. I don't think I could ever reach my double digit UGW by eating nasty take-out or restaurant food. This is gonna be harder than I thought.


  1. I really enjoy reading your blog. Just wondering how well the ex-lax chocolate stimulants work? I can't ever find anyone who also takes pills or stimulants to help lose weight. It'd be nice to hear someone elses opinion on them.

    Ps I found you on PT and couldnt wait to read your blog =)

  2. Aw yay, I'm glad I have new followers! I'm sure everyones getting sick of reading the same things I post lol. Um well, it definitely makes you lose water weight, I usually use the chocolates because then I don't feel too guilty for overdosing on laxatives (except for most of today, I was shitting out blood and had terrible stomach cramps and convulsions). I don't usually use laxatives to purge though, I have a stomach condition that forces me to take 64 grams worth of laxatives daily in order to attempt to keep me regular. Do you use laxatives often?