19 July 2011

Not the greatest 17 month anniversary I was going for, but it was alright I guess.
Mikey and I officially, today, have been dating for a long, crazy, insane, twisty 17 months. This is the longest relationship I'll probably ever have in my entire life and I wouldn't want it any other way. We ended up going to the diner for breakfast with Walters since he decided he was bored enough to come back to Albany for a few days. I ate basically my whole breakfast and felt like shit after since I haven't been taking my medicine properly, my stomach's been really hurting. I had a spinach omelet with american cheese (280) with a slice of toast (90) and a majority of homefries (N/A). After stuffing my fat face Mikey and I just came back to my house after smoking some more with Walters at his place. By the time we got back to my house Mikey and I were extremely tired so we took a much needed hour nap. After we woke up I knew he was going to want to have sex, I mean, c'mon it is our anniversary and plus we haven't been making time or forcing ourselves to get off as much. The moment he touched me I just started crying, it was the weirdest, most out-of-control feeling I've ever had in my entire life. This has never happened before but I knew what it was. Right before laying down with him I looked in the mirror. Mirrors always fuck everything up. I wish I never had to look in a mirror ever again. I can only see the bad parts about me, my acne, the flab that's on the top part of my stomach and the bloated bottom part of my stomach, the thin and dead hair on top of my head, my huge thighs. The list can go on and on and on. I knew that if I had sex with him I would have to fake an orgasm and I've never had to do that with him and didn't want to. I would never want to betray him like that. He's not like every other boyfriend I've ever had, he's my best friend and I really really mean that. I wouldn't want him to fake getting off to me, fair is only fair. He understood but I still feel like the biggest bitch in the world. He texted me saying "honestly I wanted to have sex with you because you say I always make you feel beautiful in that moment" and he's true, but I just couldn't follow through with it.

On top of it, I had to eat dinner right after. My mom sort of laughed in my face when I was trying to explain the scenario to her so I just kept my mouth shut after a while. I had a roll (N/A), ham (60ish), a slice of american cheese (70), and about 45 calories of mayonnaise for dinner. I wasn't too hungry and didn't want to overload myself with calories so I stayed away from the french fries (YAY GO KRISTEN!) and decided to do a major walk. 50 minutes on the treadmill burned 536 calories and I estimated my total calories for the day at 715 so far. My net calorie intake is around 179. I'm sort of happy with that. Although I'd like to run downstairs and burn off the rest of the food I ate and probably will eat tonight when I'm watching Teen Mom after smoking and taking a sleepy pill. I'm excited to just lay in bed, by myself, even though I just went on a major rant about how much I love Mikey lolol. Sometimes it's nice to just be able to lay in bed and watch the TV shows you like and not have to talk. I love just laying down and looking outside and letting my music put me to sleep.

I have work tomorrow, ew. I hope the scales are nice to me tomorrow like they were today. Losing or maintaining is better than gaining.


  1. killa! i want to wish you congratulations on your 17th month anniversary, it's a great thing! that is a very, very long time. and i am sorry that the celebration didn't turn out as well as you hoped. it seems like food/body issues always get in the way at the absolute time. :(

    i totally agree about the hanging out in bed alone and doing nothing. lying down seems to put everything into perspective, haha.

    anyways, take care for now, and i hope the scales are SUPER sweet to you tomorrow~!


  2. Anonymous4:17 AM

    Congratulations on 17 months hon (me and my BF just celebrated 2 years! How time flies!) Don't beat yourself up too much about the sex thing. I *totally* understand where you are coming from with that. I get this feeling sometimes (more often lately, it's something I need to deal with) that I won't be able to orgasm and I know it's a massive deal to him that I do, he gets really upset if I don't, so I just stop us doing anything. My advice is to not fret about it, forget about it and next time the mood takes you it will all be fine.

    Fingers crossed for happy scales date

    Love AJ xxx

  3. @ piper: thanks lovebug! I totally hate when I let my own problems get in the way between us, it gives him even more of a reason to constantly feel like he needs to babysit me even though he really doesn't, the scales weren't excellent to me but maintaining is way better than gaining

    @ AJ: ah I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I've been like that more lately too, I'm assuming it's because my obsession is taking over more than usual. It's so much easier to go about my schooldays (when it's in session) and not eat and be able to restrict as much as I want and then I feel perfectly fine to have sex. Lol your crossing fingers probably worked, I think I ate too much yesterday but the overexercising let me maintain!