Today was an awkward day to say the least. I don't really know what happened, it all kind of blurred together. I survived, yay!
Huge argument blew up in my face this morning as soon as I woke up. I'm definitely psychic because I had a dream right before I woke up that Mikey and I would start arguing over some sort of dumb text message and bam! It happened! I think the whole thing is kind of blown over. It was dumb and transitioned into how my eating disorder fucks up our whole relationship. I'm such a piece of shit. He even told me I have the most selfish disorder. Do you know how hard it is to hear something like that? As if I didn't already know I'm a piece of shit for not being able to become somewhat stable and just okay with myself. I pick myself apart from the time I wake up until the time I sleep. I even get the pleasure of having night terrors about myself. I don't know what to do. I'm getting torn between so much right now and I don't know which path I'm supposed to follow. I hate making decisions. It's my greatest phobia. I always second guess myself and I don't understand what's getting thrown at me at the time. This has been the worst trait I've ever had. Blah. Fuck being cured of my disordered eating, I wouldn't have been here in the first place if I was just smarter.
I smoked a lot of pot today. I didn't eat more than 250 calories though. I didn't exercise today. I tanned for a decent amount of time. I actually drove my car for once. I lost a pack of cigarettes. I don't know what the win to lose ratio is on those statements, but that was my night. BTW I have iPhone swag, patent that line, killa kristen status. My PT default and my Blogger default picture is ballin'. It's a duckface iPhone portrait, helllllllyeaaaaaah. I actually think I look somewhat decent even though I have a cyst coming in on the side of my cheek, hot. Does anybody have an acne cures? I've tried every gel under the sun and I'm obviously too crazy for Accutane. I'm gonna have a pizza face for the rest of my life, lookin' forward to it lolol.
I'm over it. I might indulge in another sleepy pill and torture myself watching a cake show on Women's Entertainment. Stay classy.
Wow honestly, what a douche bag thing of him to say. Having that negative energy around isn't going to make you feel any better. You are definitely not a 'piece of shit.' :(
ReplyDeleteI'm so indecisive on everything, so I can understand that. (I like to weigh my options/pros vrs. cons so I hate being rushed to make decisions.)
ugh and the acne thing. I have the worst acne and have literally tried everything. I let you know if I ever find something that actually works. :P
That's what I'm sayin' too bad no one really see's that, oh well, I won't be able to recover by myself. This is gonna be impossible and plan on faking the whole thing haha, I suck.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'll keep a look out too. It's a shame how many cysts grow on my face in a day, ugh. If I could ever just wake up one morning and NOT have to deal with it, I would throw the biggest party in the world.