04 August 2011

Everything is starting to freak me out. Not freak me out in like "I'm scared" way but a freak me out like "paranoid way". I don't really know how to describe it. I feel like everyone's going behind my back now though, even Mikey.
I haven't seen him in two full days, which is odd, because we usually see each other at least a few hours out of each day. I don't mind having my space, it's actually wonderful, except yesterday because I couldn't exercise anyways (that'll be for a later time though). What's even more weird is that he told me he loved me at least three times last night. Mikey and I never tell each other we love each other, and if we do, we limit it to only once or twice a week. We hate the word "love" it's so taboo and overrated. But he said it so many times. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he can't wait to see me. And he even sort of... sexted me at night time. And wait! It doesn't get more weird than this. Last night when I told him I was going to let him go because I was feeling "indifferent" instead of just letting me go he actually tried to make me feel better? That NEVER happens and I mean NEVER. Either he'll get mad at me because something triggered my eating disorder or he'll get mad at me because I'm in a bad mood and won't tell him. But instead he told me no matter what he was going to bet here for me "through thick and thin<3" and that I was beautiful and how I had a "boyfriend who's 100% committed" and would die for me. I know I should be happy about all of this, but it's just so awkward to read things like that. Especially because he never really seemed to do it before. When I was taken back I made sure to tell him I was extremely confused, who is this boy and where did my boyfriend go? But all he replied back with is "I don't tell you enough and I feel like I should start doing that for you" which is lovely, but I feel like it's not the boy I'm supposed to be with. No one ever tells me the things I'm supposed to hear, I just assume that they mean well and love me. Even my own parents and I don't discuss things we're supposed to when I'm in a bad mood. God I wish my family didn't mold me into some weird, unsociable, awkward, eating disordered, clinically depressed person. Apparently he didn't get much sleep last night, which sets off another paranoid feeling. Well, you said you were so tired you were going to pass out last night then why didn't you? Why did you lie to stop texting me? You only got about 3 hours of sleep and now you're going to take it out on me when I clearly wasn't the one to keep you awake, so who or what was Mike?

Whatever, I'm trying not to let everything bother me. But it really makes me want a cigarette. But I can't smoke one until after my drug test.
Which is in less than 2 hours.
I had to drink this weird nasty detox drink that has 220 calories in it, I'm freaking out. I couldn't exercise yesterday so that made me freak out even more. When I get back from my drug test I'm smoking two cigarettes on the ride home and I'm getting on my treadmill as soon as possible. No jokes aside.That's probably why I've been so antsy lately. I really hope this detox drink works, and I won't even be able to smoke tonight if I want to because I have a back up interview at the Unity Sunshine House in Troy tomorrow. I'm excited for it but would much rather have this job I'm taking the drug test for. It's closer to school and work and I get the weekends off and I only work on Mondays Tuesdays and Fridays. Each day I get out before 9 and I get a free membership to a gym that holds several different Zumba classes and has waterslides... shall I go on? The Sunshine House is quite a drive away, about 20 minutes from my house so it would be quite a hike from Albany where my college is. I wouldn't be able to have a great schedule there and wouldn't be able to make a lot of money, plus I'll have to take into consideration the time I'll need off to complete service learning hours and field experience this semester.

It sounds intense, but I just want school to start. I'm getting sick of sitting at my house doing nothing but counting calories and being distracted by food. It's so much easier to lie and cheat my way through eating or lack there of when I'm in session. I tell people I ate before I went or I lie to Mikey saying I'm not hungry or I'll eat a bagel for the entire day and rely on coffee and Starbucks. It's perfect, too perfect.

I'm gonna finish detoxing and flushing water into my system and taking higher than the recommended dosage of vitamins. Wish me luck/pray for me to pass this test? Thank you!

3 comments:

  1. Family can be molding for people, giving us all kinds of influences. I'm also looking forward to school as well. I wish you luck on the rest of your detox! :)
    P.S~ I'm done to a size 10 gage but i wanna get to 2's. I think i cut my hair because i need some sort of change if not much change is going on on the scale :/

    xoxox- Cordelia

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  2. rachel8:02 AM

    Hey, this may come off weird.. I came to your blog via prettythin. I really enjoy reading your posts. You're very honest, and it kind of makes me feel like I know you or that we're friends. Anyway, I hope things go well for you today. Take care..

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  3. @ Cordelia & Rachel: I'm both extremely sorry for not commenting sooner (things have been quite hectic) but thank you both so much for the comments even while I've been away!

    @ Cordelia: thank you! my detox went well since I got the job and passed the drug test! I feel you on that, I always need something changing and lately even if I do change up my diet, somehow the scale doesn't seem to care.

    @ Rachel: how lovely! thank you so much, I feel terrible for not keeping up on it now. You're my motivation to stay on top of my game! <3

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