02 August 2011

I feel like such a failure recently.
I haven't been on PT or THIN in a while. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I took laxatives tonight. I failed an at home drug test for the THC content, everything else came out negative. I'm so stressed out I can't even think about sleeping. I think the fact that I can't smoke doesn't help my situation. Why am I such a drug addict? Why do I have to be who I am? I'm so fed up with myself all I do is cry when I'm alone. I don't have any good girlfriends and my boyfriend has all of his high school friends still. Why can't I have a Facebook and be liked and be normal? Why can't I not have an eating disorder or be a chronic dieter or take laxatives if I eat more than what I feel comfortable with? Why do my parents let me smoke cigarettes and pot in their garage? Why do I blow all of my money? Why can't I just keep a job even if I don't like it? Why am I becoming a completely different person I didn't think I would be when I was younger?
I'm having a mental breakdown or a mid-life crisis.
Why is no one here to comfort me? Why hasn't anyone texted me tonight? Why can't I just talk to someone about all of my problems?
Why is this happening to me?
When am I going to be happy? Why can't I figure out where I'm going? Why do I have to consistently stay stuck in one spot? Why am I so emotional right now?
"Can somebody help me?
You see I'm out here all by myself see..."

BTW ketamine isn't worth anyone's time, I don't see how anyone can get addicted to it
& I'm not smoking until I get a job that I'm stable in even if that means busting my ass at the Center for Disabilities Services
& I'm not taking my drug test tomorrow, I'm taking it Thursday
& I had an old lady call me asking if I wanted an interview at a school in Troy, I'm hoping she'll call me back tomorrow since I had to leave a message tonight

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