It hasn't been until recently that I've been getting a lot of attention and notice on PT and as much as I love it, I also feel guilty. I've made some of the best friends I'll probably ever have on there but I'll probably never be able to meet them in real life and I'll probably never be able to be there shoulder when they're crying the way I want to be. It makes it really hard to have a connection through so many people via interwebz. I also feel guilty because I've promised all of my lovely people that I'd be updating this a lot sooner than I expected to.
I'm starting a fast @ 12 AM today (technically tomorrow, I guess lol) since Sunday's are my "eat normal" days and I want to feel amazing for my first day of class. I start my first day of work tomorrow (if it doesn't close due to the hurricane, although, I'm sure it won't). I'm pretty excited to be starting up on working at the same time the fall semester is starting up. I'm going to be very occupied which is what I need and working at a gym is a plus since I can always stay there for 3 hours to work out between my double Monday shifts lolol, I suck.
But what sucks even more is I broke my laptop screen, two days before college starts. Mad slick, I know. I tried using different screens like my TV and desktop screen but unfortunately they don't want to work out well so I'm stuck downstairs in the dungeon and cold looking at my computer screen through a projector on the wall. I won't lie it's pretty sick, and since I'm downstairs I'm right next to my treadmill... whenever I find the urge to get up and start exercising, FML.
I did yak last night with the boyfriend and our best friend. It was a lot of fun, I was surprised how poppin' Albany was for it being a hurricane and all. I met a lot of UAlbany kids, and one of them was named Mack Miller. Mikey was wearing his Mac Miller shirt I bought him when I went to see him live so we got to talking, a lot of people complimented on that shirt. Basically... I'm the shit. I'm feeling really confident about this year although there has already been ups and downs to the semester. I lost my favorite pair of shorts out in the bad weather last night somewhere (lol, I was wearing my friends pajamas because we were going to go out in the field and mud wrestle/play football but someone had just gotten jumped up there about 20 minutes prior) and I broke my laptop but! I felt really at home yesterday and everything seemed to work out as planned. Everyone had a good time, it's a shame that human beings have to sleep in order to properly function because I'd still be awake jammin' with all of them if we didn't have to part ways @ 4 o'clock in the morning lol.
So I made macaroni and cheese because I've been craving it and haven't been giving into that craving in such a long time and it doesn't even taste good. Such a waste of calories, good thing I'm not even hungry anymore basically.
OH SO! The worst thing possible could've happened to me two nights ago now. Someone called me out on my eating disorder. Someone, a corner store clerk, a middle-eastern descent man, someone who could barely make a whole sentence and had to speak in fragments had the audacity to tell me how sick I look. I was going to tell Mikey about it but I figured I shouldn't because he's been making a lot of comments and feeling up my bones a lot lately. He knows I'm losing more weight when I should be gaining and I think he's starting to fear for my life and my appearance. Just a few hours ago I told him how I wish I wasn't so ugly and all he could reply with is "you know you're naturally beautiful but you're fighting off your beauty with all the harmful things you're doing to your body". I just can't believe it. I can't believe that being the skinniest doesn't make you the prettiest. Why can't I see that? I wish I could see that.
My mother is talking more and more about psychological visits for myself and my sister. It's probably for the better but I can't seem to come and break through and realize that I need to put on weight. I'm scared for my life but I'm scared for my sanity if I go above 109 pounds now. I don't like the feeling or the way my stomach bloats and I don't want to get over those fears. I guess I'm stuck between a hard spot and a rock (however the fuck that phrase goes). I'm scared for my gym classes that are coming up and I'm scared for the people I've gotten to know in my major to say anything to me. I don't want my professors to notice me like some did last year. But I can't help but be noticed I guess, it's always been in my nature to be the teachers pet or everybody's best friend or the name that everybody knows. I wish I could represent myself differently though. I wish I could see myself the way everyone else does.
BOOK IDEA TO REMEMBER: the jealousy novel, where the main character is protagonist and antagonist.
pps I hope everyone on the east coast that follows me is safe and sound and wasn't hit too badly by Irene... that dumb bitch ;)