21 October 2011

I don't understand what my problem is, so, I decided that today I need to start keeping up with working out along with school work and going to work. I need to start counting my calories again and I need to just meet my one and only goal this year. I'll feel like a fraud if I can't lose down to 103 pounds. My weight always fluctuates because I get to a certain number and think it's okay to just binge, but it's not. It's not fair to me and my fight and all of the attention that's been put on my eating disorder. I'm sick of being a failure all of the time.

I took 3 diet pills today and already worked off 250 calories. Probably ate about 250 calories worth of chili and 150 calories worth of crunchy cheetos (don't ask me why, I just did). My dad just put new flooring down there and I know he would freak if I stayed on for more than 45 minutes today so I sneaked in 20 minutes.

God I sound like such a rebellious fuck.. NOT. I wish I felt cool from doing this shit or any sort of motivation other than I need too.

I have to write a 6 page reflective essay for my ENG 279 class and an analysis of a case study for this upcoming Tuesday in EPY 350 FML. I want some Adderall. Maybe I'll drop my plans that I was trying to make earlier today and just stay in and work out and do homework all day. Who knows I'll probably binge again, I fucking hate myself.

I might be pregnant? LOL I don't know I always think this whenever I don't get my period for a long time and have weird feelings. I feel like my right ovary is throbbing but I haven't had a regular period in over a year and a half and I don't have any awkward sickness or swelling or headaches. I felt really sick with my first baby so I'm pretty sure my body would feel the same, plus, I don't think I'm fertile enough. I'm only at most 110 pounds at 5'5 1/2. When I was pregnant I was at my highest weight of like 170ish... damn. I don't want to blow my money on pregnancy test just to make sure and stop stressing since I just deposited my check and worked my way up (slowly but surely) to 500 dollars! I fucked the shit out of my bank account my freshman year of college, fucking hate myself.

When did Paramore get so bad? LOL watching MTV and throwing up because they just played a music clip of some indie people singing and lone behold it was Paramore. They should probably stop being a band now.

IDK what I plan on eating for the rest of the day. I think my mom got rid of the two gallon things of ice cream so I can't eat like 600 calories of that fuuuuuck. I hate the fact that my mom bought the cheese in the wrappers and placed it next to the deli cheese, I feel like it's contaminated and I can't eat the deli cheese (I'm really weird). I already had the chili my mom made before she left for the weekend and we don't have much else in the house. I'll probably end up having some frozen pizza.

I want coffee pretty badly... hm.

1 comment:

  1. Coffee!! Appetite suppressant! Excellent choices! :)