21 November 2011

105.6 lbs

Literally fucking my body up on purpose at this point. A shit ton of Adderall and coffee is on the agenda for today, along with all of the homework I have to finish. Almost done, but not close enough. Pulling another all nighter for the fun of it. It's a shame that's what fun has resorted to...

My dad is in Florida right now with my aunt. I feel like he's the only reason why I'm still alive at this point. Now that he's gone for a few more days I'll be able to drop down to 105 hopefully and then feel guilty on Thanksgiving Day. I refuse to binge though, that's not fair. I made a promise and I'm going to keep it.

The rave was fun I guess. Was fucked up on molly with all of my friends so that made it worthwhile. It was super fucking cold. I should've known I was at a lower weight than usual, this cold is just in my bones, stuck... it's not going to be free.

I wish I didn't have to go to work today for a meaningless 3 hours. Maybe I'll be able to get some homework done, probably not. So glad I don't have to worry about school on Wednesday or Thursday, I'm home free tomorrow after I'm done doing my presentation. 1 class will be done, only 3 more to worry about. I can't wait to finally sleep, it's going to feel so weird.

I wanna get super wasted tomorrow or something. Maybe I'll convince people to get some hardcore drugs. Maybe downers. I'm sort of sick of feeling up, but like how it makes my stomach feel more empty. Downers there's always a chance of binging.

Nevermind. Triggering. "I'm sick of all the food around here. I'd rather just not eat." - Mikey
He gave me this eating disorder and now he's giving himself an eating disorder. I guess I can't blame him for this, it's a combination of things. I just wish he knew when to watch his mouth. He only 160 calories today (cereal bar) and I had to eat a whole bowl of cereal. I had at least 20 more calories than him. It drives me insane, it really does.

Who wants to cite this paper, include more information, finish a page about collecting and graphing data and then make it all pretty for me? Fuck it.... why do I even want to be a teacher anymore when I can't even see to my 21st birthday?

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