26 November 2011

106 lbs

Better than what I thought it would be, especially after the past two days. I've been trying to eat normally in front of my family. I don't know why I'm so worried, no one's actually going to follow through with any of the threats or statements they say. No one is going to do anything about it because that's just the way my family handles everything.

Mike woke me up in a bad mood already. I wish I could just sleep all day and not be reminded about everyone else's problems right now. I don't know what he wants me to do. He just needs to smoke and he'll feel perfectly fine. He doesn't realize he trained himself to be dependent upon smoking in order to feel human. He took a pill that I used to take last year at this time to let me binge and fall asleep right after. He woke up feeling like shit, which I expected and attempted to warn him about. I probably won't see him again tonight. This whole break has gone to shit because I have to worry about so much.

My parents didn't even hear or notice me walk downstairs. They didn't wait for me to decorate the Christmas tree. It just seems like I'm so much closer to death than I ever was before because even people are starting to learn to live without me when just years prior they would've been screaming and calling for me to come downstairs to help or at least put up my ornaments.

I guess I have nothing to complain about really, this is what I want. I just had some cheerios, my mom got mad that I bothered measuring it. Oh well, I don't care.

This eating disorder clinic keeps leaving my voicemails and now I don't feel obligated to call them back because I called them about a week ago and they realize that I haven't bothered picking up my phone. Maybe they should stop calling me at bad times like I told them and call me during the fucking afternoon.

I sent Mike lyrics last night and he slapped me in the face with the lyrics back. They were from Drake's "Look What You've Done" and it was about how much we love each other but fuck each other over, and he made me realize I fucked him over more because he works so hard just to see me healthy. God I hate myself for saying any of those lyrics last night.

I'm on fitnesspal now. It's fun. It also makes me realize that whenever I say I'm binging I'm actually not binging. Triggering. Basically everything in my life can be considered triggering nowadays.

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