25 November 2011

Everybody is ditching me today. I usually don't mind but it sucks when you go to make the plans and really think about it and give it detail and then you just get fucked into doing something for people without even knowing it's not going to pertain to the plans you made with them. I guess this is what I get for being a shitty person.

I wish I didn't binge last night. Maybe I should take the extra time I'll have all night today to just spend on the treadmill. Maybe that's why I've been so upset lately, I just haven't had the time to work out.

My stomach literally hurts to touch it, like to touch my tummy (the outside) is literally throbs. This usually happens whenever I'm backed up. I think I'm just going to OD on laxatives tonight anyways.

After eating and drinking and wearing a decent amount of clothes I'm at 109.8. My dad isn't happy. I'm not happy. My boyfriend isn't happy. Nobody is happy so what am I even trying for anymore? I don't even fucking know. I just want to be dead. Really fucking so far deeply dead that no one even remembers that I existed and why I was ever born to begin with.

My dad's buying me Muscle Milk because he thinks I need more protein. Sure, yeah, I'll drink this nasty shit but I'm not eating if I have to drink it. I might feel comfortable eating a salad, maybe a slice of pizza, definitely nothing fattening at this point though. People are doing everything backwards. JUST GET ME REAL FUCKING HELP IF YOU'RE SO CONCERNED.

I can't even attempt to be optimistic anymore. Everyone has broke me down so much it's not even worth trying to smile anymore. Between Mikey and my mom and my grandfather dying and my sister constantly worked up it's like not even fucking worth it. I'm surrounded by all of this bullshit and everyone wonders why the fuck I'm so fucked up.

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