10 December 2011

I burned more calories than I ate so far. I plan on drinking as many liquids as possible until Mike gets here because we're eating dinner together but I really don't feel like eating. It started because I can't trust him and I realized this about 30 minutes ago. I hate myself for not being able to let go of anything. I'd be a lot healthier mentally and physically if I could just get the fuck over shit.

I'm starting to go tanning again. I always look better when I'm tan and it'll occupy my time and maybe if I ever quit smoking cigarettes I'll actually be able to spend this money on a tanning plan... I was super sexy with my badass tan last year at this time.

My family is coming from South Caroline soon, they're spending 8 days here... including Christmas. I'm excited. Spending time with my little cousin today is what made me so excited. She's been eating a lot more and even snacked in front of all of us today (a lot too!) She's put on about 10 pounds in a little over a month and she's looking healthy and fit finally. Her hair is coming in thicker and she still has the same attitude. I'm not sure if she has a full blown eating disorder but it makes me so upset every time she tells me how much she wants to be like me. It's disgusting to think that someone would want to be exactly like me.

I just wish I knew why that disgusts me. I'm a good person with morals and standards and values. I've been a balancing act my whole life and I've even made it to 20 years old. Why can't I just accept who I am and what I'm going to become?

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