05 December 2011

There's a clementine sitting on my bed... should I eat it? My stomach hurts so bad from the laxatives I took last night. I wish people weren't fucking retarded and when they see me swallowing 4 at a time say something to me.

Still no word from the doctor about my blood tests. My throat is hurting today and I'm coughing up yellow shit, yummy. I just finished making my study guide for my final tomorrow (talk about a little behind, right?) I still have to complete my final project experience to hand in tomorrow with all of my materials.

I should be getting back my chapter summaries and my hot topic paper for my ED Psych class tomorrow, too. I have most of my footage for my film so I can finish that before it's due on Thursday. Then I'm done. I'm really really fucking done with this semester. Where did the fucking time go?

I've come to realize I'm going to be stuck in this eating disorder for the rest of my life. Now my mother doesn't want me to get help because she doesn't want me to have to go through inpatient in case I fuck up at outpatient or something. "You have school you have to finish Kristen!" WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SCHOOL IF I'M GOING TO END UP DYING BEFORE I GRADUATE ON A 5-YEAR PLAN YOU FUCK? My boyfriend is really depressed unless he's on drugs now. It's gotten to the point where if he's not on something all he's doing is complaining, seriously. His back, or all of his homework, or the fact he needs to do a group presentation, or his xbox isn't working properly, or the Saint Rose e-mail is down, or he can't sign up for the classes he needs even though he can he just doesn't want too. It's like he needs to find an excuse for everything. Just take your fucking drugs, I don't want to hear it anymore.

So I keep tracking my calories on myfitnesspal and it keeps telling me that I'll be so-and-so weight by 100 pounds or something by 5 weeks but I don't really believe it for some reason. I feel like I'm eating too much and all I want to do is learn how to purge now. I feel like a fuck up but I don't really care anymore.

It's so cold in my house...


  1. I haven't commented in ages, I am sorry. It's mostly because I don't know what to say. I do care though, lots.

    All I can say is, don't purge. Please.

    All it does is make everything worse. Eventually purging (almost) always leads to binging, it's a horrible cycle. Don't do it.

    Take care xxx

  2. Oh man do you seem to be in a baaad place. Tell your mom that its health> over graduation. Tell your boyfriend to get off his ass and do\take something. Speak up! Tell people what YOU want and need, and I feel like you'll get out of this mood.

    Try your hardest not to purge, its seems like an easy fix, but fucks your life up worse.

    Feel better, everything will sort out. xxx