14 March 2012

I know it's happening and I don't know how to handle it but I'm relapsing again. I can honestly say for the first time that I was happy feeling and acting normal in front of everyone. Eating like a normal college student with the rest of my friends and not having to face the scale everyday and not denying my body what it truly wanted. My parents even bought me a new car as a surprise for doing so well and putting on four pounds. But now my body doesn't want food and now I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

I've been withdrawing from pills, it's been about a three week binge and even though I don't want to get fucked up on pills my brain is clearly suffering without them. Doctor's found a polyp after doing some testing on my dad, although it's a slim chance it's cancerous I'm still nervous. I was doing so well not smoking and ruined that two weeks ago when I went on spring break. I was told I'm not smart enough yet to join the academic honor society even though they asked me to apply and I stay up day and night to get at least A-'s in all of my classes now. My friends probably hate me now that I don't have time to help them when they need me the most and flake out when I do have the chance to hang out with them. I won't graduate on time which I say I don't mind but I keep beating myself up and feel like a failure.

All of this has been bothering me but nobody knows. I can't burden my friends when I don't let them express anything to me. Mikey doesn't want to know what I'm truly feeling or thinking anymore. Sometimes he just straight up talks over me. My mom can't be bothered, especially while my sister just had surgery. She's been talking about buying new things for the house and switching the room's completely to "upgrade"... mind you we just got this house about 8 years ago. My dad isn't home often and when he is he's busy working on things or making my mom happy or sleeping. I know he worries about me already and I don't want to keep him awake at night by knowing what's really going on.

On the bright side... I've been having a lot of fun with my special needs student, we'll call her "Susie". She's got so much energy and really has so much potential. She's outgoing and kind and is extremely involved inside and outside of school. It's so nice and refreshing knowing I'll be surrounded by this when I'm done with Saint Rose. Her caregiver has made my life so easy by complying with all of my interview questions. It's just amazing to hear and see progress when you're regressing I suppose. Another bright side is there's potential for me to leave my current job for a summer camp job. It's not that I won't miss my kids at my current place of employment but I feel like I'm trapped there. I just realized this job has provided me with a lot of hands-on experience and looks amazing on my resume but I don't get much money from it and most of the staff higher up doesn't like me. AND A NEW SEASON OF SOUTH PARK STARTS TONIGHT AT 10! Hopefully I can stay awake to get fucked up and watch it.

Two hydro's deep. It's numbed a lot of everything I'm feeling right now. I'll probably take the two xanax I have left in my back up tonight as soon as this wears off. No wonder why I'm addicted to pills lol.

No comments:

Post a Comment