01 January 2012

I just purged for the first time and I didn't even think twice about it, didn't really struggle and want to run back into the bathroom to keep doing it. I just fucked myself over and it's the first of the year.

The scale triggered it. I want to be 80 pounds now suddenly instead of just 98. I want to be rail thin and I don't know why anymore. I haven't even been able to maintain 105 pounds but suddenly I feel like this year is going to be a triggering year. Mikey couldn't even finish his bagel and I didn't want to think of how many calories more I ate them him. I probably didn't even eat more than him because it was just a 150 calorie bowl of soup... that's it... most of it water.

I saw some soda when I purged and it was mostly just broth. I wanna run back in the bathroom and puke up all of it though. I saw blood when I spit into my sink and I'm assuming it's because of my severe acid reflex. I know I'm gonna get addicted to this... I can feel it already.

Happy new years.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry. That totally sucks.

    I actually never started puringg until I was underweight. You just stop caring. And same as you, I knew that I would never be able to stop once I started, which is why I resisted for so long.